Monday, April 4, 2011

A New Beginning

Recently, I was leisurely reading "I Will Not Die An Unlived Life" by Dawna Markova. The passages below struck a chord in me and challenged me to write my own thoughts down explaining the feelings I'm experiencing during this transition in my life. There has been a great deal of reflection going on along with a whole lot of inaction. :)

The excerpts are italicized below, with my comments following the author's.

No matter what, I need to be living and working in a spacious natural environment that encourages me to expand. Since my habit is to contract in uncertainty, and since uncertainty is the soup of modern life, I can most easily remind myself to expand when I am surrounded by a wide horizon.

Having recently come from a rather oppressive work environment into a situation that is completely devoid of the daily stresses of following another persons agenda for their benefit only, has been a truly wonderful experience. It has been good for me while I determine what my next step should be. Breathing deeply and with pleasure, something I hadn't experienced in a long time, is taking place continually. The authors sentiments tell me to really take this time of personal space, figuratively and literally, to define what could be the "me" that has always been wanting to come out. Not only can I have joy but also, valuable time and no distractions keeping me from that task during this time. Actually inhabiting a pleasing and beautifully spacious physical environment is a bonus that will only lend itself to more creativity and courage to continue to expand into that being.

No matter what, I need to be moving at a rhythm that allows my body, soul, and heart to be in alignment.

My head tells me I need more, my heart tells me I need more, my body tells me I need more, but what? This is in no way an indication that I am dissatisfied with what I'm  currently doing or dismissing what I already have in my life, but rather a yearning that reflects what is still reaching out of me to grab a hold of another expression of happiness in my existence. Finding IT, doing IT, relishing in IT will give me that harmony, that self-satisfying pace I'm looking for in my body, soul and heart.

No matter what, I need to work both as part of and apart from a larger community. I need to work with the family of my heart and body. Work has divided me from them for so many years. Now I need work to unify us, to join us in the task of bringing shining and useful things to the larger community.

This particular statement really brought me back to 2007 when all the work and voluntary work that I was involved with came crashing down around my physical and mental health. It took that happening to make me realize that although my priorities in life had good intentions, those activities didn't necessarily benefit myself or the ones I loved. Making any decisions about my future now will include those realizations made then and only add to the sanity of future choices. Any new directions taken by me for a larger community outside my immediate family, whether they be philanthropic in nature or some sort of activism, which I am quite fond of; will not ever, ever again put me in a position of changing the dynamic of those things in my life that mean the most to me.

No matter what, I need a balance of language, images, and lavish silence, so I can be guided by the inner voice of my intuitive mind and balance insight and outreach. I need the space to think thoughts all the way through until they open into wonder.

Lavish silence, lol... funny, as I struggle to write this my husband is running the vacuum in the next room, a beautiful black cat is meowing at my feet and my youngest is showing me a bruise on his right leg. I can't say anything remotely better or add anything more to what she wrote that could make more sense. It is EXACTLY what I need at this juncture of my life. But I will say that the "lavish silence" bit was the one that thrills me the most... when I can get it, that is!

No matter what, I need a human atmosphere that constantly challenges me to be sane, thoughtful, wholesome, and present in the moment. If I am not present, there can be no meaning. If I am, everything I do has meaning.

Interestingly, I find that as I seclude myself in this new found freedom, I'm engaged more than ever with people through various social media interactions. So, even though these interactions are at a distance, physically, it is amazing to me how I've plugged in to their realities, allowing me a front row seat whenever I want it. These interactions of my choice bring me in touch with those that are giving me more sanity, challenge me to be thoughtful, wholesome and continually guide me into being present. I love it!

No matter what, I need to be living and working in an environment that stimulates, pleases, and enlivens my physical being.

All the previous statements resonated loudly with me, but this is one that will take willpower rather than being an automatic given.  Considering my state of mind at the moment it might become a part of my routine and I stress the word might. Relaxation and reflection usually don't force your physical body to want to be stimulated, enlivened or even pleased! Nah, I take back that last thought... pleased, yes. Not that I don't enjoy the other states, but when there is a choice of being active, as I'm choosing to interpret this line, the laziness will win every time!

No matter what, I need to work in a climate that is interdependent, here the norm encourages us to use each others strengths so no one of us has to carry more than our part.

Being enormously engaged in the online community lately, I've had the pleasure of witnessing so many of my new friends presenting me their strengths through blogs, videos, comments and observations. I let them know that it has thrilled me, inspired me and caused stirrings in me that urge me forward in the direction of my choosing. Their ideas and mine are intermingling and it has been a joy to watch them grow. My instinct tells me that we will all help each other continue to reach for the things we are trying to achieve.

And lastly, no matter what, I need to work in a creative atmosphere that encourages me to let die what is finished and foster new life that is trying to emerge.

And lastly, there is absolutely no doubt in that regard.

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