I awoke this morning feeling like I do most days, a state somewhere between refreshed from a night's slumber and not quite ready to be awake yet. But I brushed aside the desire to stay in bed a bit longer, I forced my legs over the edge and out of the bed I went.
Turning the corner into the kitchen, I was greeted with a bouquet of flowers along with a card and this lovely printed heart from my three men. I opened the card and immediately welled up. It was thoughtful, it was sweet and it tugged at my faulty heart. Obviously this day a year ago was pretty traumatic, I just never expected that my family would want to revisit it. But I guess celebrating the fact that I've made it for one year longer... well, that's worth acknowledging.
Now that I've had my attention focused on the day that was literally life-changing, it brings up so many different emotions and thoughts. For starters, I'd like to forget that it occurred, but I'm thankful I made it through the procedure to be here longer. So glad that worse things, like a heart attack didn't happen before we found out how detrimental the state of my heart actually was during the procedure. Feeling loved and appreciated by my men that they took the time to share their feelings for me in the card. Oh, so loved... that's the part that made me cry. You think you know they love you, but it's those unexpected moments in time when declarations made solidify the connection you have to them.
I'm also angry. Because of what happened last year, I had to change my life in so many ways to ensure that my pre-heart attack state remained that way. Between forced daily exercise and medication, I could literally scream. People who know me, know that I despise working out. They know I like to stay active, but I'm not a big fan of having to schedule in physical activity, especially when there are so many better things to do. Plus the medication has done things to my body that I'm not too happy about. My skin is different. I have rough patches, eruptions I'm not used to and exposure to the sun (which I adore being in) has to be limited. I have a sunburn from June 2nd that has yet to completely fade and it's September! What the hell is up with that? Not to mention, you touch me in the slightest and I've got a bruise. I'm not sure, but I think I've also gotten klutzier, too. But that could be age, not medication.
There was a possibility that I could have died a year ago. I'm sure that it was a rather slim chance being in the terrifically capable hands of my doctor, but nonetheless, it was a possibility. Nobody could predict how things would go during the procedure nor exactly what they would find. So, I made important decisions, got pertinent papers pulled together and said some good-byes, just in case. Coming out of it the next day with a feeling of "I've kicked life in it's ass and I'm ready to go!" propelled me straight into doing all the right things. I showed life who was boss. Twenty pounds lost later, my blood pressure is down, the blood levels are where they should be and I had my strength and energy back again. It's all good news now and my goal is just to continue to feel better. If I can help it that is and hopefully my DNA doesn't throw me out another curve ball.
Having a year pass to reflect back on that day, all in all things turned out better than expected. Physically, I'm in much better shape. Mentally, I have a more defined clarity about my life than I did previously and emotionally, well... that's the supremely excellent part. There have been other emotionally charged events since that day and yet I feel like not handling them, falling apart is so not an option at this stage. If I can survive the possibility of death, then damn... I can handle anything. I may not like it, but I can survive it. The second bit about feeling more emotionally grounded is the fact that I know what is my shit to deal with now and what I have to let others handle.
The other bonus of these types of events is the closeness you feel to your family and friends. It makes you weed out those who add no value and eliminate those unhealthy life energy sucking relationships from your circle. Who's got time to participate in a life if it's being cluttered with unnecessary drainage of your happiness? I don't. My goal is to have my joy meter stay on the high side as much as possible for the remainder of my short life.
This morning I woke up like any other day. The bonus is I'm breathing... still. In addition, I got to cry happy tears about deep, special connections and say thank you to the universe for my ability to hang on just a little while longer with them.
It's a good day, after all.