Betrayal

Your actions made me feel like I wasn't special to you.

You claimed...

     I was important to you. Did you show it?

     I was a good friend. But obviously not enough for you.

     You loved me unconditionally, but I was too much to take.

     I was unique and different, but I was too combative because of the way I think.

     I was such a role model, but truly too honest for you. What with all the speaking out so much.

     It's good that I'm honest. But I just wasn't sensitive enough to others.

But I was just being me.

And you didn't know how to take me.

Then I doubted myself because of you.

I shouldn't have.

Our connection ceased to exist because of selfishness. Your selfishness, and your ego.

A war of two individuals whose permanent solution ended up in no victory for either side. And you gave up while I was actually still fighting for us. 

Then I let you go.... willingly.

Self-preservation was required.

I realized that all you would do is continue to injure me.

Just know...

I am important.

     I have value.

          I am special.

               You will never fuck me over again.

Just Waiting For You To Die...

... misogynists
... bigots
... racists
... willfully ignorant
... intolerant of others
... black and white world viewers
... self-absorbed people using any means necessary to promote their world view
... extremists, in thinking and in action, in any subject matter
... anti-intellectuals or anti-progress
... arrogant people
... manipulators

but what I hate most - the above indoctrinating our children! The only good thing is, the more of you die the less indoctrination that will occur.

Myself and others will continue to point out what is inherently wrong with your attitude, shut you down at every turn and ensure that others don't follow your way of thinking.

We promise.

Duggar - Keep Digging, I'm Sure There's More

Josh Duggar is in the news again. Who's surprised by this? Not me!

Once again we feel all disgusted with him because he has shown the world that he is not only a child molester, but a cheat and a liar to boot! Add to that, he's a huge hypocrite doing all those sinful things right under the prayerful eyes of his wife and his family. He even admits that. Good for him. And honestly, as soon as the news was confirmed in both instances, good on him for not squirming out of it. He immediately admitted what he had done when he was finally exposed in the mainstream media.

But what else does that tell us about Josh Duggar? He got caught.

He may act as if he is just a fallen sinner and needs back into the good graces of his lord and savior, but in fact, what he actually is just that... caught. And he can't get out of it by hiding anymore.

In fact, it says the same thing about most of the public figures which have a religious bent.  And frankly, to me, this detail is the ONLY reason they fess up. It is because it hit the news cycle in a big way and there's no stepping back from that reality. It's called damage control. They were exposed and now they may be repentant. But it's only because it's now out in the open in all its glorious salaciousness!

How many times do we have to hear in the news what so and so has done after telling the whole world they are better than everyone else? I'm really getting sick and tired of seeing this kind of crap. Almost daily! But yet, me being an atheist - I'm the really nasty character. Right.

Here's an idea - Josh and all you other holier-than-thou types, how about you be brave and tell us now what else we can expect to find hidden in your closet? I'm sure there's so much more. Honestly, I think I would have much more respect for that. I'd really be willing and able to understand you were human and had a failing; we've all been there. But to have your type throwing in my face what a disaster I am for my belief system while you were out there being the lousiest humans ever, it's just unacceptable. Always was... still is.

Here's to the next shoe to drop...

I'm Angry

You know that feeling when you could jump out of your skin when you see a perceived injustice or stupidity unraveling before you?

I feel this quite often being on the Internet or just walking out my front door.

I'm really, really, really, REALLY, REALLY getting sick of things that bring me to this place. Realize that I understand I'm in control of my emotions, feeling this way is only brought on because of what I have deemed worthy of getting upset about. 

Here's just the short list...

• the unending stream of people who claim they have all the answers and, in reality, the lack of understanding they produce
• seeing proof of humans being unkind or hurtful, intentionally, for the fun of it or worse, to make a point - whatever that point may be
• having politicians who hold positions of power when all they really want is power in a position from which to control things
• watching illogical and unreasonable people decide the fate of others, not just in politics but in everyday life
• feeling betrayed by those claim to have your best interest at heart
• people suffering because of the lack of compassion in those who are in a position to help
• watching the innocent and the vulnerable be neglected by the greedy, powerful and disinterested in this world

This world needs to be a better place. Its inhabitants are counting on it. Really... if we don't get our shit together, and start taking care of each other and ourselves, what kind of place will we really end up inhabiting?

Family Is Overrated

kris krug

Well a good one isn't, but just because we're related doesn't make the relationship better or more special. What makes these connections good, any actually, are the shared experiences, the love, honesty, loyalty and the trust between the individuals. Not some meme that floats around Facebook that claims a mother's love is precious, sisters are the greatest, great dads protect their daughters, brothers are your best friend, etc... oh, barf. A decent and more honest meme would be one identifying the person who has thrilled the other and why.

We all have family we can't stand because of their actions, their attitudes or their way of thinking but more importantly because of how they have treated us. Being family doesn't make them better just because of their DNA. Actually, it makes them worse people if their only claim to their special-ness is that they are related to you when their actions as humans suck, and especially when their suckiness is directed at you.

I'd like to think that this whole world could get along like the best of what family is supposed to represent, but we know that is an unattainable myth because you know... differences and ego. And that's okay. But until we reach some enlightenment about how people should really treat each other, please stop putting family on some sort of pedestal. Some family is no different than the worst people our society has to offer.

I used to think that because my kids were physically birthed from me that connection alone made it more special. It doesn't, it just makes it different than relationships that happen to us through our interaction in the world. What makes them better (in my eyes) is the amount of care and nurture that went into making them the best they could be. In turn, hopefully with enough good steering, they will then take over and be non-reckless drivers without me. Their contributions to this world will speak to what kind of people they will become, and thereby how human and humane they are. Our relationship depends on two factors only, them and me. If I can succeed on reassuring them that I love them, prove it with my actions and be consistent in my efforts, then I can consider we have a decent relationship. Then my family is worthy of me salivating sickly sweetness over them. But only them and not family in general.

Kids Will Believe Anything, It's Exactly Why Indoctrination Starts At Birth

http://zerobs.net

Children believe shit... period. Especially from people they trust - teachers, parents, friends - although the order of trust may be different. I'm not shocked, having two of my own that swallowed things hook, line and sinker at not so crucial times.

Imagine my chuckles when a teacher came into my job and described how students in her class were mistakenly led to believe she had 'eyes in the back of her head' when she could detail actions of her students doing things without her directly looking at them, and then would chastise them when her head was turned the other way for things 'she couldn't have possibly seen!' It scared them into thinking she did indeed have that super power! The children, being as naive as they probably would be at that age, didn't realize she had the benefit of a reflection of a window or mirror at her disposal. Obviously, she never shared that little detail with them while they were squirming or later when she could have come clean.

Hearing her laugh about what kids would ultimately believe from people whom they trusted is what lead me to this thought... Kids truly do believe anything, and this is the very reason why indoctrination takes place from the time they are born. The sooner they are fed stories about a parent's belief system, the sooner they will emulate what they have been taught. The intention of the parents may be to ensure their place in Heaven, but the exercise of not thinking for themselves is grounded in what the institution of religion wants and always has wanted... to take center stage no matter what, the individual be damned. There is no such thing as autonomy, it's only about what the collective wants so let the assimilation begin... as soon as they are born.

It's not just about what they believe, but it's about continuing the retelling of the same stories... over and over again. It just makes it harder for the kids to confront the belief system or ultimately ask the relevant questions when it's continually forced down their throats, that's why it's called indoctrination. It's a systematic process and it's one that is reinforced by Bible School, church on Wednesdays and Sundays (or whenever the specific denomination meets) and those supreme holidays like Christmas and Ash Wednesday, or whichever high holy days that specific religion or church decrees.

Ironically, the teacher I mention is religious and she can't see how the misleading of young children contributes to the cycle of indoctrination she condones, even though she would readily admit in this instance she is a participant in lying to her students. If only people (like her, and all) would truly reevaluate the things they engage in. If only they understood the impact of their actions. It actually would positively affect their small bubble of influence if only they would tailor their behavior and actions to reality, and thereby the rest that, by chance, came in contact with it.

Hmmm...I wish.

There's A Rainbow In Kansas!!!

www.gallery-rouge-blog.co.uk/tag/dorothy/

Well, it's in Johnson County for now, but things could be changing in a big way for the rest of Kansas, and hopefully soon!

I know that many of my friends in Kansas are ecstatic about the possibility of our state granting equal rights to the LGBT community, me included. It's been an issue that should have been resolved years ago.

Naturally, our Governor Brownback had this to say:

"I swore an oath to support the Constitution of the State of Kansas. An overwhelming majority of Kansas voters amended the Constitution to include a definition of marriage as one man and one woman. Activist judges should not overrule the people of Kansas."

Upholding the constitution is a requirement, sure. I'll give him that. Having said that though, what is his reason for denying schools the funding that is guaranteed by the Kansas Constitution?

Hypocrite! He's picking and choosing what to get behind based on his ideology, plain and simple.

Tell Brownback with your vote in November that enough is enough with his antiquated and failing conservative, slimy politics. Make sure he gets the message loud and clear!

Fundamentalist governors should not overrule the people of Kansas.

I Learned The Hard Way - Spanking Is Wrong

I'm fifty-one years old and still remember the spankings I received as a child. Back then it was normal for parents to reach out and touch their children when they misbehaved. Now it's a big debate, hopefully, one that will end soon and with us coming away with a better understanding of how to be more humane towards our children.

Yesterday I had a lengthy email exchange with a friend who advocates for spanking. My impression (after many conversations about her world-view) is that her religion teaches her it's in the best interest of the child, so naturally, it's something to support and also, not something to question. Because if god says it, then it must be true. Knowing me, that alone is worth challenging, but it went deeper than that this time. Spanking affected not only me growing up, but in turn, my children as well. It was a hard parenting lesson, but certainly one worth learning how to do differently.

What sparked this whole conversation, and also what prompted my responses during this email exchange, was her insistence that spanking was the right thing to do when it was necessary. She believed that the writer of the piece didn't have the correct takeaway from her endured spankings. In other words, the spankers in the writer's case weren't spanking in the right fashion for her to receive the valuable and appropriate message. Obviously! And since that was the case, it invalidated the writer's thoughts that spanking was wrong. Having had a similar experience growing up and being a parent who passed on what I had been taught (although not to the degree I experienced at the hands of my mother), this piece struck a similar chord in me. The writer was entitled to her opinion (how gracious of you email exchange person), but like what was being assigned to the writer, I was feeling the burn of "Opinions are like assholes, everyone's got them" slap across my face with her comments. Only she had all the answers, and apparently, hers are the only right ones. I guess she doesn't understand that the word opinion would also apply to her.

I'm not proud to admit I spanked my kids on more than just a few occasions. Even having been 'educated' that way myself, thinking this is what I was supposed to do to my own children, it never felt good to do this to them. I cringe and I cry when I look back on the moments in their childhood when they were on the receiving end of spankings for something I felt warranted that type of punishment. It didn't happen very often, but when it did I felt like I had died just a little. Still to this day I wrestle with the guilt of inflicting pain on my children. They have since told me that they don't remember much or have any hard feelings knowing that it happened, but my shame lingers still, even with their reassurances.

Writing this now, I'm still struggling with my emotions and my own memories of those moments. It kills me that I could ever have hurt my children when they were misbehaving. In those moments I felt justified somehow that I should spank them as they were the ones who created the situations that were getting out of control; my job was to halt their inappropriate behavior by any means necessary. Spanking was swift, usually worked immediately with them and allowed me to vent my anger in the heat of the moment. Many parents won't admit their anger is usually in charge, but it's true. Even when they say 'last resort measure', it's because the child has pushed the parent to a certain threshold that's not to be crossed. Controlled anger and controlled punishment still mean emotions have been tested and pushed to the limit. The response is still the same, too - violence inflicted against your child.

Spanking is the intentional infliction of pain, emotional and/or physical. Whether it be a swat on a clothed bottom or the extreme of whipping with a belt or any other object that leaves red welts, bruises or deep cuts. It is an assault on the body of a being who is smaller, more vulnerable and in no position to fight back. And it undermines the supposed connection and relationship you have with the little person who is entrusted to your care, the one you chose to love.

We are sending the message that sometimes love hurts and it's the child's fault. Really? That's what love is supposed to mean to them? We may think they understand this punishment is to convey a consequence of inappropriate behavior, but the takeaway is really that the person who loves them is also the one hurting them. How do we ever square that in our heads as it's happening? I know I couldn't and it's ultimately what made me rethink the whole issue of spanking. I figured out that it was never in the best interest of my child to harm them physically, make them fearful of me or feel humiliated in any way. I just wish that I would have thoughtfully decided that before I ever laid a hand on them in the first place.

Some would say that if it's done out of love and to teach actions have consequences; they will learn and won't do that bad behavior again. That's the gist of many conversations I've endured about spanking with religious types. But that's my point, the motivation and the lies they are taught that it's done out of love aren't true! The good book is allegedly divinely inspired by a supernatural being who wants to be the one in charge and in control of his followers using fear, intimidation, and force. It's just teaching followers that same set-up in their own homes is appropriate, so now they become just like the one they worship... a control freak who has to have it his way or there will be insufferable consequences. The message being - IT really loves you when IT must use these techniques to keep you in line - so it is with believers when they use these tactics in their 'loving' family environment. They are perpetuating a model of submission through fear and control and calling it love. How screwed up is that? Very screwed up in my book, and I'm incredibly sad for my kids and myself that I ever considered this part of my job called parenting.

I'm human and, still to this day, don't always end up doing the right things all the time. It is a struggle to choose carefully and thoughtfully how I navigate through this life and in the lives of others. The one thing I've learned in this short life is that whether it be towards people (little and big) or animals, loving means one needs to act loving. Always ask yourself "What Would A Loving Person Do?" I'm pretty sure a thoughtfully reasoned answer wouldn't be - "let me strike my child/another adult/this animal." At least I hope it won't be.

Imagine a world where the consequences aren't pain, but rather understanding that problems created by our actions should and can be resolved without violence, control or fear. Love means choosing to be kind. Spanking is not kind, it's a tactic that is the opposite of being loving. It hurts, it wounds and it teaches our children how to feel scared of their parents, to be isolated in their pain and it damages their personhood.

And it needs to stop. Now.

Drunk Writing

Here goes... something in a completely different fashion. No holds barred, decided to do something I normally, actually never do, write drunk.

I am currently extremely inebriated, 2 drinks and 4 different types of alcohol later... here I am writing. I've been told that Christopher Hitchens did his best writing while he had been drinking. This is my attempt. :)

The boiler-maker I'm working on now will mean 6 types of drinks. The goal of which is for you to determine if my writing is better or worse now that I'm under the spell of alcohol rather than just thought.

They say that only people who tell the truth are drunks, children and I don't remember the third category... and can't find it on my damn FB page right now either! Well I AM  drunk, listening to nature sounds and writing.

My problem is I don't know what to actually write about. So I guess whatever just pops in my head right now and that is.... also, I will edit like I normally would do.

I think I want to take another drink of the next boiler maker!!!! YAYAY!!!

Seriously, my sons are home. They are upstairs. SHHH! Do not tell them we are talking, they would be embarrassed that I'm even writing about them! Really. They do not want any mention, they want complete anonymity! Makes me wonder where I took a wrong turn along the way of child-rearing... actually not. When I consider the fact that I did not REALLY give them instruction on how to be REALLY free humans until I, myself, knew what that actually meant. Thanks, JT!! It will take some time before they unlearn all the bullshit I taught them before 2010!

Thinking about being true to myself, I really wish I would have been more ... jeez, this nature background is annoying! Just stopped it... now I only have the heater going at my feet noise. Yay! Make its easier to write this for actual publication and I will be publicizing this WHILE I'm drunk. hiccuping and all! And fingers kinda numb feelings.  :)

Android Device Manager! Get it! Seriously! It will help you locate your phone when you think it's lost, specifically when it's right next to you!! Drinking impairs your ability to find something because really you are clueless... really clueless!! I found it! My phone was not on me, but charging and now I have it, thanks to my son! YAY! I told him about my project/experiment. Good job, great that I can count on him to help me. True love. :)

Okay, let's us pretend we are actually talking about an actual subject.

I've just received an email about my Internet bill. $77.16. How much does anyone else pay?

Still have not received any input as to what people like to know more about. :(

Talk about multi=tasking - listening to a speech - David Tamayo from Skepticon 6, saying good bye to younger son, looking up bill from Internet/Phone service for cost and trying to understand what to write about?? I don't know what is multi-tasking??!?!?!

I'm sitting here talking to my son. He says lack of creativity whilst drunk.. he says it's too cold in here. I say, fuck it. I'm not cold, are you???

So what shall we talk about??It's not been a failure.I love my kids! I really do!!

Even when I'm really been grammatically correct. I love it. I'm not a mean drunk, nor am I vicious, just cute.  :) This has been an incredible experiment. My son, Sean, has been sitting here and watching me work, if you can call it work, and judging me... relentlessly. It's been fun and enjoyable. :)

Still waiting for others to provide a topic, not happening... yet, buy now I have a few. Nelson Mandela and his death. Still not sure that I can comprehend it happening as I'm really not even engaged... ya know. But I will speak to coming out.. as an atheist.

Being yourself... SO FUCKING IMPORTANT!!! I want everyone to understand that drunk or not, YOU SHOULD always be who you FEEL on the inside. Don't let anyone tell you who you should be or how you should feel. I'm so sick of others dictating what I know for myself! I'M not wrong, whatever the time should be in my life, about who I am at that moment. If I only let it be public, that is who I am and whether you like it or not, that is what I feel at that very moment. Take it for what it is, accept it whether you like what you are hearing or not. This is who I am.

This is the topic. Acceptance of what we decide to put out there. Like it?

If not, I fucking decide to not like you. Really, what is wrong with people being who they decide for themselves who they need to be when they are in a place of total acceptance of themselves? Really. It's like saying they don't matter when they finally reveal who they are to the rest of the world. YOU, person, suck, I say!! I may not agree with who they are and even feel a bit uncomfortable with their presentation of who they are, but I will not be upset with THEM when they decide... this is who I am! They give me the opportunity to decide for myself whether I want to agree or disagree, but in any sense, it does not mean I disparage their effort to come out and be honest with who they are! I hate that about haters. Fuck you for publicly saying that just because they don't measure up to what you think is appropriate, it's ok to dis them in public. How many times have you done things that are not ok, but we let you slide because we are afraid to say... YOU SUCK!!! Fuck you!

Ok, I'm done on that subject, next.

Coming out as... whatever. Be proud, be LOUD... soooo important!! YES!! Most definitely!!! I've kept my mouth shut for 48 years (until I felt comfortable around friends). NO ONE should feel as if they don't have a right to feel good about who they are. Many times, our friends and even family make us feel like we shouldn't just BE who are are. I'm tired of thinking that who I am is some how supposed to feel like I can't be who I feel like being. Our friends and family( and especially anyone outside of that cirlcle) DO NOT have the right to tell us how we are to act, feel or be. Period.

Subjects have been suggested on FB. How much do I know about addiction. I'm thinking it was facetious, as I'm doing this drunk. I don't think I'm addicted to alcohol, just so you know. Addiction does run in our family, unfortunately, but I like to say that I like to drink but it does not run me. Some of my relatives, blood or not, were run by alcohol, but alcohol does not run me... I decide whether I want to get beyond what it means to be an in control of my life situation. Currently, I WANT to be drunk because I think it will make for interesting reading. Other than that, it happens when I want to add to the fesitivies that are occurring and at times just because I've had a fucking hard day. THAT is rare. But when it does, I decide to imbibe to help feel relaxed. Alcohol does not rule my decisions, I rule the decisions that precede me picking up that drink. Done, next.

Rape complacency - not even sure what that means. I've never been complacent about my reaction to rape. Let me look that up. I'm drunk you know and not something that I've been associated with. Just so you know, I'm not complacent with the idea of rape. If someone is raped, anyone, it's wrong and should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law!! Period. If you disagree, why are we friends?

Nelson Mandela died today. I'm sad because he had a lot to contribute to the dialogue of freedom but also activism. He spent a shit ton of time in prison to give a voice to the injustice that not only he, but millions were suffering. Props to that man, sad to hear that voice was extinguished. We so need many more voices like his!!!

Criminality in our justice system - a friend of mine is currently going through a situation that affects his family in a rather bad way. His son, even though he feels is innocent, is having to endure what he feels is criminality in our justice system. And I would think, rightly so! The law enforcement system is doing what they think is correct, he is doing what he feels is correct and believe me, I side with him. I have a huge suspicion of people in authority. Many times they get it wrong. They may legitimately be trying to make sure they are doing it 'right', but in the process they hurt those who are really right and not actually the criminals that the law would like to make them out to be. This is why it is SO important to make sure that we continue to hold fast to the understanding 'innocent until proven guilty" edict and FACTS! Many of the people we'd like to convict in the jury of public opinion just are not guilty, even as much as the media would like to make them out to be. This is also where skepticism, and learning how to think that way, come into play. Stop judging people because of headlines. The people who report the news don't always get it right if they are going for sensationalism rather than just reporting what is understood at that time.

And lastly, a friend of mine suggested I comment on her posts. She had about 15 of them, I exaggerate, but they were ALL funny! So here's to her.. they were awesome! Thank you for the entertainment! We need more of her!  :) I say this not because I've been drinking, but damn... can't everyone just lighten up a bit?!?! I really enjoy all my Facebook friends who seem to have a sense of humor.

I'm getting soberer. My son is checking on me. He's leaving soon, eating is important you know. :) Geez the video he took of me takes so damn long to load up! You guys are going to enjoy this when it finally can get published.:) I just want you to know that I edited while I was drinking and not sober. I'm thinking I did a phenomenal job. LOL

This is the end of my blog. See ya! :)

Letter To My Son

"Set the thermostat of your life at the temperature that suits

 you best and let those around you dress in layers."

Claudia Trupp

What do you tell someone about a future that is uncertain at this stage of his life? You talk to your friends, their parents, watch the news…. It’s all the same… it looks bad and it might hamper what could be the start of a brilliant life for you.

I guess my message to you now would be please don’t listen to all the bad news, misinformation and the people who have given up on the ability they have inside of themselves to succeed and then try to make sure that those around them don’t succeed either. You know misery loves company and I don’t want misery for you… I want a life full of adventure, joy and jam-packed with the things that help you become the best man you can be. 

I say - Own your strengths and let them take you to the places you want to go in your life. Having a good life is about defining what makes you the best you are AND believing that to be true. That’s the reason I love the quote above and hope that you will always take that to heart. And I think for the most part, you already do! You are a head-strong person and that nugget will serve you well in this life, but like we’ve said before… use your evil for good! And I know, deep down, you will. 

We, as your parents, have tried to give you the basics of making good decisions and guiding you to really knowing what it is you want for yourself to be happy. These basics will help guide you in making decisions in your life that will benefit you. As you move forward in this journey, keep in mind how those decisions impact those around you, not just the people closest to you, but all people, places and things. You never know how something you say or do will come back to you. There are soooo many good resources to help you in your journey… keep yourself open to it all!

Over the years, I’ve come across many good quotes that reaffirm my beliefs. One that I enjoy is this one…. “Demand of yourself, what you expect of others”.  Dad has one, too….“Always be true to yourself and honest to others." Good words, as you step out more and more in this thing called your life as an adult.

My dear boy…. now a man, where has the time gone?  As your mother, I wish for you a life that YOU can be proud of! Just so you know…I’m already proud of my son just for being my son. We’ve had struggles over the years and I can accept those; that is a part of life. I’m sure there will be more, humans tend to create controversy wherever they go. But as long as we decide that we are important enough to each other, we will overcome those struggles. I’m sure of it. As my son, I want you to know that who you are to me is what I care about the most and what I’m looking forward to is seeing what great accomplishments you will enjoy in your life as this man I helped to create and nurture to adulthood.

Know that if you need me or this family to help you in your journey, we are always there for you. So, I hope that as you venture out further, you know that the best thing you’ve got going for yourself is you… use yourself wisely, take care of yourself – mind, body and soul and remember to nurture the goodness inside as the rest of the world gets to have a piece of you.

And just so you know…I loved you when you were born, I love you now and I will love you forever… with all my heart.