Monday, August 19, 2013

Not Helping... Just Sayin'

Adjective – Destructive to both sides in a conflict

I learned a new word today. And surprisingly, if I’m honest, I’ve felt like this at times in my past. Not often, but it has happened. You have probably felt this way, too. Admit it.

Let me set it up for you - When you are in an argument do you find yourself saying things at just the right moment you really shouldn't, but can't stop yourself because you enjoy the hurt you see in the other person's eyes or body language? You feel a little powerful, don't you? A small victory for the big price you'll pay later.

It is destructive for both sides when the person you trust wants to rejoice at your pain. The connection you share can get tattered and torn if it is something frequently done within the boundaries of your relationship. The offender is hurting to begin with if they resort to this power play, the offended begins to doubt what they share and ultimately, the wounding becomes a game both will play. The attacks get more malicious if this tactic is used consistently, the wounds even deeper.

During conflict, if we focus on ending what is causing us pain rather than what short term gratification we'll feel with the pain we cause, better behaviors will emerge to help us reach what we really want to achieve. If feeling more powerful over the other person is really only what we want, then maybe we shouldn't be in those particular relationships.

Let's guide ourselves to a place where we are helping to ease the pain, not adding more of it to the mix.

I make it my mission not to be considered an internecine woman.

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