Friday, June 14, 2013

Dear Life, You Can Stop Sucking Now

How do you make the decisions necessary to keep moving forward after you've gotten to a precarious emotional state, a place of indifference or a feeling of nothing but contempt? That internal space where you could have never imagined yourself feeling like that ever, before? A completely shocking, incomprehensible event that sets you over the edge, yeah... that seems about right. It shakes you, makes you question reality, turns your world upside down. Trust is shattered, nerves are frayed, your insides feel like they are bleeding out and you're sure that everyone knows. But they don't, if you don't tell them. 

The negative feelings can be camouflaged, very easily. People can't see not caring anymore, they can't fathom the distance you've created or understand the hole of emptiness you are trying to rise above from. We can be adept at hiding for many reasons, PDE is just not appropriate or so we were taught. But people around us, many times even those closest, don't or can't tune into that frequency of despair. They're busy with their own lives, their own problems and sometimes, they just don't give a shit anyway.

Hiding is sometimes just what we need to do until we're ready to take the next step. It gives us time to think and time to grieve for what no longer exists. And an opportunity to gather strength when the decisions needing to be made meet the opportunity to put them in play. It's not indecision or hesitation, sometimes it's just that timing is crucial. Involving those closest to us can actually hinder what needs to happen next.

Being a public emotional mess is especially something you don't need in order to move forward. I've experienced it many times with past crises' where the friends really do no better than just keeping you stuck in the scenario that is creating the drama. Often times they don't even know how to just be there for you; they would rather play a prime role in the destruction continuing. No thanks, I'll do it my way.

Once decisions are made and realities refocus to a new stability, friends will feign astonishment at your lack of involving them. And probably act all butt-hurt, too. How dare you not include them in your misery! Sometimes, I vacillate between wishing I could share more than I do, but then I realize there really aren't all too many people I would let in on my innermost feelings. I don't trust a whole lot of people, for one, but dealing with gobs of drama is something I usually tend to shy away from to begin with.

Rationally, taking a step back, observing my fellow humans and just getting older has taught me so much. But even more valuable lessons were learned when I let the shit drag me down so emotionally that I think to myself "How will I ever get back up again?" Feeling it surround me as if the thick ooze of mess is my new home, letting me succumb so to speak. I'm not advocating that we always give in to our deep, dark  emotions. Depending on your stability, it can have disastrous outcomes. In my case, it was precisely because of those situations and mucking down, the decisions that came out of the process brought me into a much sweeter place.

I've come to appreciate my mind and my abilities in the realm of handling emotional situations. During the dark moments where it felt like emotions were all I had, my mind still wouldn't let me go to that place where you don't recover from. These situations forced me to face things that I might not have. Decisions came about because I had no other choice, but to make them. I find I have a much keener sense of how to deal with emotional situations because of those times. As they will continue to present themselves, the emotional dis-ease will still affect me, the agonies will still occur. Life/Nature will do it's best to contribute those potential situations of unexpected upheavals.

Feelings for which you have no control over can just wash over you unexpectedly, but at least I can say that my ability to look at those feelings rationally as well as the situation that created them, guides me into a much better place than say when I was in my early 20s. Yes, getting older helps, but you can't mature unless you go through some shit, right? But enough already, I'm good.

***The day after I published this piece, a FB friend had this on her page. Thanks Amy! Summed it up nicely... Enjoy!


Never underestimate a woman who is suffering
who seems to be making risky choices.
She is deep in lesson.
She is visiting the underground,
she is making sense of life in some invisible way
the fragmentation in her life could be a precursor
to a new resurgence.
She could well stun you with some home truths.

~ Sukhvinder Sircar

photo artist unknown

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