Sunday, January 27, 2013
Doing My Part
It is not my responsibility to ensure that you are happy, but it is my hope that I may be able to contribute to your happiness in a positive way.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Thursday, January 17, 2013
No Swearing on the Bible
Today, Dean Obeidallah, had an opinion piece on CNN.com. He nailed it.
As I'm reading it, all I kept saying was "Exactly!" To me, those who chose to be sworn in on a bible are saying they can't do the job without their god. Well, that or they don't want to offend the religious base. That is probably the more likely reasoning for choosing to swear on the bible rather than the constitution.
IMO, if you aren't able to lead this country (the one that DOES NOT exist on the supernatural plane but ACTUALLY exists) without the help of a god... why are you even pretending that you can lead it at all? AND then pulling a paycheck for it?
Being an elected official, representing your constituents is supposed to mean that you alone are qualified for the position. Isn't that why you run on policies, positions and proposals for change? YOU are going to make a difference, YOU will make things happen, YOU will LEAD... NOT A GOD!
There... I'm done now.
As I'm reading it, all I kept saying was "Exactly!" To me, those who chose to be sworn in on a bible are saying they can't do the job without their god. Well, that or they don't want to offend the religious base. That is probably the more likely reasoning for choosing to swear on the bible rather than the constitution.
IMO, if you aren't able to lead this country (the one that DOES NOT exist on the supernatural plane but ACTUALLY exists) without the help of a god... why are you even pretending that you can lead it at all? AND then pulling a paycheck for it?
Being an elected official, representing your constituents is supposed to mean that you alone are qualified for the position. Isn't that why you run on policies, positions and proposals for change? YOU are going to make a difference, YOU will make things happen, YOU will LEAD... NOT A GOD!
There... I'm done now.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Faulty Friendships
My initial instincts.... wrong.
My perceptions.... grew.
My decision to say 'fare-thee-well'... spot on.
My life is better for it.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
The Difference
 |
| Anti-Theists. Pro Active Atheists. Opposing Religious Harm. |
All I think I do is point out the things that don't make sense, are illogical and are down right incorrect. If the information is accurate, how is that being mean? It's me being factual and if people think that I'm being mean (the one pointing it that out to me and the people who are reading my stuff and are getting upset), then I would think the problem actually resides with their understanding of me. But I think it goes deeper than that. They obviously don't know what my intentions are, and they seem to have their own issues with the subject matter.
If someone is educating with the intention of opening eyes that were closed before, that isn't mean; it's trying to be helpful. Could it be they are uncomfortable because they aren't sure of their own feelings, but yet they project their insecurities and blame onto me? I wish them resolution, if that's the case. I'm personally tired of taking the heat for their lack of personal insight, ignorance or their immaturity.
Now watch, I'll get chastised (or the cold shoulder) for defining their behavior as I see it, as if that is my fault, too. Me pointing out what I'm perceiving seems threatening to their ego because it challenges them to be honest and really examine their own thought process.
The only person I can take responsibility for is me. I know what I say, why I say it and how I say it. If the person on the receiving end decides to interpret things differently without going to the source first, then all they are doing is judging me without first hand knowledge. That is wrong and inaccurate; just saying. Whatever emotional issues come up from it, you need to figure out why it does, but please don't make me your scapegoat. I get enough of that shit just living as a unique individual in Kansas.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Merry Learning
It's that time of year again! Incredibly the time goes by so fast now that it truly makes my head spin! It literally feels like I was JUST talking about this subject last year.
The big difference between last year and this year are the personal tragedies that my family and I endured. Along with the heart stents in September, my mother also died shortly before Thanksgiving. Having these back to back devastating events was certainly a challenge for me.
As I've said before, our family doesn't celebrate Christmas anymore. It's not that we're against celebrating it, but celebrating it traditionally for either supernatural reasons or capitalistic reasons just doesn't make any sense for us. Our current philosophy is that you should love your family all year long and gift them whenever you feel moved. We don't feel like we should buy into what other people have determined is appropriate for us. We make our own rules and screw what other people think.
This holiday season is a little different in that my mother is no longer alive, but even her not being here hasn't really changed my attitude towards how we celebrate this time off. Honestly, I think the only thing that has really reached into my insides is the most recent tragedy, the Sandy Hook shootings.
When children are involved in horrific acts, it always tears me in new places that I didn't think existed. The emotions I feel seem to just endlessly spring up and don't stop coming. They will eventually, but it is something that never ceases to amaze me. I feel such a deep ache that just brings my well-being down to a place I'm not accustomed to.
After that happened, sleep took on a whole new look. What used to resemble normal just isn't anymore. Thinking that hot flashes in the middle of the night would be the only thing disturbing didn't prepare me for the lack of sleep nor the dreams I started experiencing. Nighttime has recently become a whole new level of disturbing. It seems that working out the mysteries of life that I'm encountering is what I can expect until I reach a level of understanding about things that I've never had before.
I've also reached out to my friends in a way I'd not done before. Lack of sleep may have added to my motivation, but I needed reassurance that there was still some sanity in the world; a grounded element, so to speak. That element I needed help from helped me still find some humanity and, in turn, it made me feel a lot less wonky again.
My personal series of events and then external events have left me with so many emotions and feelings that I literally have been in tears, outwardly and internally, for what seems forever. I don't like the place it put me in, but surprisingly, I also see the joy at the end of those emotions. My feelings for my family have immediately gotten deeper. My friends, although always important to me, are even more important to me now and the tragedies that others experience touch me in a deeper place. I feel a need to be a kinder person like I've never experienced before. I want the love that I feel inside to be even more present in my interactions with every person's path I cross. I see the changes that I make in my life now creating a little more peace in my days ahead.
It's been a dramatic year for me, to say the least, but I think that it's also been one of the best years I could have had. I've/we've been through a lot, but the lessons learned have been just wow! Changing one thing about this year would have made the lessons less impactful in my life.
This year ends on a high note DESPITE all the shit. :) May it only get better from here on out!
The big difference between last year and this year are the personal tragedies that my family and I endured. Along with the heart stents in September, my mother also died shortly before Thanksgiving. Having these back to back devastating events was certainly a challenge for me.
As I've said before, our family doesn't celebrate Christmas anymore. It's not that we're against celebrating it, but celebrating it traditionally for either supernatural reasons or capitalistic reasons just doesn't make any sense for us. Our current philosophy is that you should love your family all year long and gift them whenever you feel moved. We don't feel like we should buy into what other people have determined is appropriate for us. We make our own rules and screw what other people think.
This holiday season is a little different in that my mother is no longer alive, but even her not being here hasn't really changed my attitude towards how we celebrate this time off. Honestly, I think the only thing that has really reached into my insides is the most recent tragedy, the Sandy Hook shootings.
When children are involved in horrific acts, it always tears me in new places that I didn't think existed. The emotions I feel seem to just endlessly spring up and don't stop coming. They will eventually, but it is something that never ceases to amaze me. I feel such a deep ache that just brings my well-being down to a place I'm not accustomed to.
After that happened, sleep took on a whole new look. What used to resemble normal just isn't anymore. Thinking that hot flashes in the middle of the night would be the only thing disturbing didn't prepare me for the lack of sleep nor the dreams I started experiencing. Nighttime has recently become a whole new level of disturbing. It seems that working out the mysteries of life that I'm encountering is what I can expect until I reach a level of understanding about things that I've never had before.
I've also reached out to my friends in a way I'd not done before. Lack of sleep may have added to my motivation, but I needed reassurance that there was still some sanity in the world; a grounded element, so to speak. That element I needed help from helped me still find some humanity and, in turn, it made me feel a lot less wonky again.
My personal series of events and then external events have left me with so many emotions and feelings that I literally have been in tears, outwardly and internally, for what seems forever. I don't like the place it put me in, but surprisingly, I also see the joy at the end of those emotions. My feelings for my family have immediately gotten deeper. My friends, although always important to me, are even more important to me now and the tragedies that others experience touch me in a deeper place. I feel a need to be a kinder person like I've never experienced before. I want the love that I feel inside to be even more present in my interactions with every person's path I cross. I see the changes that I make in my life now creating a little more peace in my days ahead.
It's been a dramatic year for me, to say the least, but I think that it's also been one of the best years I could have had. I've/we've been through a lot, but the lessons learned have been just wow! Changing one thing about this year would have made the lessons less impactful in my life.
This year ends on a high note DESPITE all the shit. :) May it only get better from here on out!
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Pardon My Absence...True Story
Facing the possibility of one's own death is a daunting task, but someone has to do it... right? Didn't think as a 50 yr. old I would be doing exactly that, but let me share with you the last two weeks of my life. I might add that in addition to feeling incredibly lucky, I also was in the care of some very capable hands during this journey.
It all started on Sunday, September 9, 2012, experiencing some unusual symptoms in my throat, neck and in my arms. The episodes, what I like to call them, occurred about four times that Sunday and two more times the next day. They were intense enough to suggest that something was going on and warranted a visit to the doctor. It needed to be checked out and on September 11, I saw my primary physician. Just one more reason that this day will live in infamy.
As I explained to the doctor, the predominant feeling was one of a lump in the back of my throat, the kind you get when you hold back the ugly cry. That tension spread around my neck, to my chest and across and down my arms. All these sensations naturally increased my sensitivities and with it, my anxieties, but I kept the overwhelming urge to give in to my anxiety, under control and passed through it okay.
The nurse did a preliminary EKG and the doctor informed me that there was no evidence of a heart attack, but there were definitely some abnormalities showing up; slight ones, but worthy of further investigation. I will be eternally grateful that he picked up on that, otherwise things could have ended up a lot different. So, thanks, Dr. Dewitt in McPherson, I've got big love for you and I know my husband is also extremely glad for your expertise.
My next stop would be to a cardiologist and the appointment was quickly arranged. He also ordered a chest x-ray and blood work be done; we complied that day. The x-ray came back and everything looked normal, the blood work showed slight elevation in the bad cholesterol and too low in the good cholesterol. The thing that probably kicked my anxieties in an uproar were the TSH (Thyroid numbers) levels; they were higher than they've been in a while. I immediately got back on those supplements that have helped me in the past, along with adrenal support supplements to weather this obviously stress-inducing situation. I noticed a big difference in my mental/emotional well-being in the days following.
What didn't change was that I was still feeling intense symptoms when there didn't seem to be a reason for them. Over the course of the week, they did diminish somewhat and there were a couple of days I didn't have any symptoms. The noticeable and dramatic thing was all physical exertion caused me to be completely out of breath and left me with a feeling of weakness; something I've never experienced before. Going up one flight of stairs should not do that to an otherwise healthy individual; that had me worried.
September 18, the cardiologist felt that it was best that we have a stress test done that day to determine what the problem was and what was causing the symptoms. He stated outright that he couldn't be sure what was going on based on the preliminary tests, but that I was definitely in a higher risk category (very prominent heart disease in my father's family, overweight, under a lot of stress and having symptoms). These factors all indicated a more in-depth look as to what is going on with my body.
I have to say the experience of doing the stress test and the accompanying echo-cardiogram was a fascinating one. They sure do make the screen light up with wonderful, vibrant colors; naturally leaving one to think that everything is going to be okay. I did eight minutes of uphill walking that left me breathing so deep that the back of my throat was on fire. Luckily, I did not go into full cardiac arrest; even though it did feel like I was. I did recover quickly, but it was still quite exhausting. They stayed with me for a while to make sure that I was okay and then I was told to go home and make a follow up appointment.
The next appointment was to be two weeks later and I looked forward to understanding what was going on. The cardiologist contacted me to move the appointment up to September 25. Initially, I thought that was just because the receptionist had scheduled it out too far; he had said that he wanted to see me in a week, so I felt like this was the problem. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't just a little worried. I asked my husband to accompany me to this visit on the off-chance that it was something serious. He complied and I'm so grateful that he did.
The visit started off all right, my husband and I debating science and religion in the office before the doctor got there, something that is always satisfying. It wasn't long before the cardiologist came in to tell us the results of the stress test. What I loved about how he went about his speech, even though it was tough to get through what he had to tell me, is that he was very direct, telling me the reality of the situation. More likely than not, I had blockages in my heart that would need to be dealt with. The tests indicated that they were present, but the only way to confirm how much or how bad they were would be through a cardiac catheterization or heart cath.
During the explanation of why it was necessary, he also talked about the statistics of what could go wrong. That is what brought up the immediate tears and life-flashing-before-your-eyes mindset. I was scared of leaving my kids and my husband to fend for themselves without me; I was the one who was supposed to always be there for them. If I died, their new reality was going to be a difficult one because I know the depth of our relationships. Change is hard, but change involving loved ones is even harder.
The fact that he also very strongly suggested that we get it set up for the next morning made it less welcome news. Something about urgency and doctors just heightens that experience 'oh so much.' After a little bit of discussion, my husband and I both agreed that it would be best to get this checked out immediately. So, it came to be that I was scheduled to be in the hospital at 7AM, September 26th.The procedure was to begin at 9AM.
What originally started out with a comment of "Oh, great, we can go to Starbucks after the visit since we are in Hutchinson." turned into a rather emotional day. The first phone call I made once we got home was to my father who has experienced an incredible cardiac history. Having survived heart attacks, strokes, a pacemaker and many other medical situations, I felt he would be my go-to guy for a real understanding of what to expect from here on out.
The rest of the day was spent preparing for the possibility of a really bad outcome. Tears were a staple of the afternoon and the long conversations that I had with the people in my life that needed to be contacted didn't seem to lessen them much; in fact, they brought on more tears. At one point, my husband had to leave out of necessity to attend to other things to prepare for the next day, but also just because he needed some alone time to figure out how to handle this emotionally. When he got back we eventually came to the conclusion that we needed to start seriously not being too serious about this subject or we would drive ourselves crazy. We really did not know what was facing us yet and to be emotionally drained going forward was not the best thing either. So, we were resolved to prepare for the worst, but hope for the best.
Telling my kids about what was going to happen next was a pretty hard thing to do. We waited until the boys were both done with work to inform them of how the next day was going to play out. My husband and I both expected that it would be hard for them to accept; their shock and silence told me they weren't able to handle all the emotions coming at them. My oldest was having a hard time with the jokes that my husband and I made, but I explained "It's either laugh or cry and I for one would rather laugh." After a little independent conversation with each of them, I had hoped that they would be okay. Their hugs were comforting even if we still really didn't know what the news would be tomorrow.
The doctor had told us that if things were really bad, coronary by-pass surgery was a possibility. That is the one thing that terrified me the most because anything could go wrong during open-heart surgery. The priority for me was that my husband knew what he needed to do next (even if he was not emotionally ready to handle it) in the event of my death. I got things written down for him so he knew where to find the important papers like my will (luckily I had updated it about 3 weeks ago), where the life insurance policy was and where the obituary was in my documents. Yes, I'm that prepared. I wrote the obituary many years ago because I've always wanted to have all my bases covered. Plus, I feel that facing the inevitability of and accepting death will occur eventually is the best way to have a healthy relationship with that life event.
The thing that was hardest for me though, from the time the doctor told me of what the test results could mean and up until the moment before the procedure, was the possibility of leaving my husband and children to cope with life without me. I've always raised my kids to be independent and expected my husband to be a strong person, but I'm the one who has worried over them the most and made sure that if they needed me I was there for them every step of the way. I realize that I wouldn't know exactly how hard it would be for them, but it bothered me deeply that I would be the one to cause them such pain in their lives; unintentionally, but the reason they would experience such sorrow.
That is what made for a shitty night's sleep before the procedure. But experiencing a lack of sleep didn't stop the level of adrenaline from coursing through my body; I was wide awake and alert during the intake and right up until they loaded me up with medication before the procedure. That part I was really looking forward to. It took away the cares of the day before and I experienced a little release from the stress.
Once the doctor got into the heart and released the dyes, they were able to determine that 99% of my Right Coronary Artery, 80% of the Left Diagonal and 40% of another artery, which name escapes me at the moment, were blocked by plaque. The RCA received two stents and the left received one. So now, I was a human being with three metal stents in my heart. I've moved on to a new club whose dues require a total life change. How exciting. I found all this out after the procedure as I was not fully coherent until a bit after, but my husband got the news right after everything was done.
I slowly came back after the procedure and by the time the drugs had worn off, I was feeling like there was a definite change that had occurred. Yes, I was incredibly sore where they had go into the femoral artery above my right leg, and there was an ache in my chest cavity from the heart getting used to the incredible blood flow it was experiencing, but the fact that I felt like I wasn't in a fog and very clear in the head was the first thing that I noticed. Amazing what good oxygen flow to the heart will do. Just wow. I had to openly chuckle and think to myself "Imagine what I will be able to do when my body catches up with my head!"
After the procedure, I spent the day and night in the ICU and was tended to by wonderful nurses (here's a shout-out to Caroly, who was the inspiration for writing this account!) and great technicians, even though the day and night was a constant battle with the blood pressure cuff and getting woken up at the most inconvenient time for labs and tests. Not a restful recovery, but still it was sprinkled with good connections to the staff who made it their mission to be as helpful as possible. They made it very bearable and I thank them for getting me through a tough time.
I'm home now and resting comfortably. My husband and I are working out the details to having the best recovery and a brighter, healthier future. He's been making sure that I don't over-extend myself, which he knows I can do very easily. He is insisting that I follow the requirements that my doctor has given me - slow and steady in all actions, but start moving in the direction of normal activity. My love has helped me walk around the kitchen island one extra time each time I have to get up to go to the bathroom or if two to three hours have passed. I'm up to four times around now. It's only been one day since I've been home; I would say that's a good sign for my recovery.
This was definitely what they refer to as a wake-up call. Considering my family history, I really was convinced that with the stamina I possessed and the care I was already taking with my body, DNA wouldn't play as big a part that it did; I was wrong. I imagine that I will continue to get stronger as I institute healthier food choices, more physical activities and ease off on the stressful things in my life. Although I'm not a big fan of prescription medication and the dependence on any drug, I have to say it's already having a dramatic effect on me as the blood pressure numbers are finally in the normal range.
The procedure I went through and the stents now in place have risks associated with them that the average person does not have to be concerned with, so there still might be some unexpected things in my future, but I honestly have to say the benefits outweigh the risks. I might have to face another life or death situation again with reference to what was done, but who are we kidding... we face life or death every day. Life goes on until then.
So, all in all, this was the most incredible 'roller coaster of a ride' event in my life, to date. I had always pegged giving birth to my children as the most dramatic, but really the births were just the most painful and then ultimately, the most fulfilling after the hardship. Going through this really took me through emotions much more extreme than I've ever had to feel. Luckily, the outcome was a good one... this time.
I recently read a post on Facebook that said it was a lie that you only live once. Actually, you live every day but only die once. The person who said this was correct. I'm so glad that I'll have a chance to be here, living more days with all the people who make my life incredibly worth living.
*For all my local friends - Should you ever find yourself in need of a great cardiologist - Dr. Drew Allen, DO, Interventional Cardiologist - Hutchinson Regional Medical Center. Not only does he have some mad skills, he's got one of the best bedside manners I have ever witnessed.
It all started on Sunday, September 9, 2012, experiencing some unusual symptoms in my throat, neck and in my arms. The episodes, what I like to call them, occurred about four times that Sunday and two more times the next day. They were intense enough to suggest that something was going on and warranted a visit to the doctor. It needed to be checked out and on September 11, I saw my primary physician. Just one more reason that this day will live in infamy.
As I explained to the doctor, the predominant feeling was one of a lump in the back of my throat, the kind you get when you hold back the ugly cry. That tension spread around my neck, to my chest and across and down my arms. All these sensations naturally increased my sensitivities and with it, my anxieties, but I kept the overwhelming urge to give in to my anxiety, under control and passed through it okay.
The nurse did a preliminary EKG and the doctor informed me that there was no evidence of a heart attack, but there were definitely some abnormalities showing up; slight ones, but worthy of further investigation. I will be eternally grateful that he picked up on that, otherwise things could have ended up a lot different. So, thanks, Dr. Dewitt in McPherson, I've got big love for you and I know my husband is also extremely glad for your expertise.
My next stop would be to a cardiologist and the appointment was quickly arranged. He also ordered a chest x-ray and blood work be done; we complied that day. The x-ray came back and everything looked normal, the blood work showed slight elevation in the bad cholesterol and too low in the good cholesterol. The thing that probably kicked my anxieties in an uproar were the TSH (Thyroid numbers) levels; they were higher than they've been in a while. I immediately got back on those supplements that have helped me in the past, along with adrenal support supplements to weather this obviously stress-inducing situation. I noticed a big difference in my mental/emotional well-being in the days following.
What didn't change was that I was still feeling intense symptoms when there didn't seem to be a reason for them. Over the course of the week, they did diminish somewhat and there were a couple of days I didn't have any symptoms. The noticeable and dramatic thing was all physical exertion caused me to be completely out of breath and left me with a feeling of weakness; something I've never experienced before. Going up one flight of stairs should not do that to an otherwise healthy individual; that had me worried.
September 18, the cardiologist felt that it was best that we have a stress test done that day to determine what the problem was and what was causing the symptoms. He stated outright that he couldn't be sure what was going on based on the preliminary tests, but that I was definitely in a higher risk category (very prominent heart disease in my father's family, overweight, under a lot of stress and having symptoms). These factors all indicated a more in-depth look as to what is going on with my body.
I have to say the experience of doing the stress test and the accompanying echo-cardiogram was a fascinating one. They sure do make the screen light up with wonderful, vibrant colors; naturally leaving one to think that everything is going to be okay. I did eight minutes of uphill walking that left me breathing so deep that the back of my throat was on fire. Luckily, I did not go into full cardiac arrest; even though it did feel like I was. I did recover quickly, but it was still quite exhausting. They stayed with me for a while to make sure that I was okay and then I was told to go home and make a follow up appointment.
The next appointment was to be two weeks later and I looked forward to understanding what was going on. The cardiologist contacted me to move the appointment up to September 25. Initially, I thought that was just because the receptionist had scheduled it out too far; he had said that he wanted to see me in a week, so I felt like this was the problem. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't just a little worried. I asked my husband to accompany me to this visit on the off-chance that it was something serious. He complied and I'm so grateful that he did.
The visit started off all right, my husband and I debating science and religion in the office before the doctor got there, something that is always satisfying. It wasn't long before the cardiologist came in to tell us the results of the stress test. What I loved about how he went about his speech, even though it was tough to get through what he had to tell me, is that he was very direct, telling me the reality of the situation. More likely than not, I had blockages in my heart that would need to be dealt with. The tests indicated that they were present, but the only way to confirm how much or how bad they were would be through a cardiac catheterization or heart cath.
During the explanation of why it was necessary, he also talked about the statistics of what could go wrong. That is what brought up the immediate tears and life-flashing-before-your-eyes mindset. I was scared of leaving my kids and my husband to fend for themselves without me; I was the one who was supposed to always be there for them. If I died, their new reality was going to be a difficult one because I know the depth of our relationships. Change is hard, but change involving loved ones is even harder.
The fact that he also very strongly suggested that we get it set up for the next morning made it less welcome news. Something about urgency and doctors just heightens that experience 'oh so much.' After a little bit of discussion, my husband and I both agreed that it would be best to get this checked out immediately. So, it came to be that I was scheduled to be in the hospital at 7AM, September 26th.The procedure was to begin at 9AM.
What originally started out with a comment of "Oh, great, we can go to Starbucks after the visit since we are in Hutchinson." turned into a rather emotional day. The first phone call I made once we got home was to my father who has experienced an incredible cardiac history. Having survived heart attacks, strokes, a pacemaker and many other medical situations, I felt he would be my go-to guy for a real understanding of what to expect from here on out.
The rest of the day was spent preparing for the possibility of a really bad outcome. Tears were a staple of the afternoon and the long conversations that I had with the people in my life that needed to be contacted didn't seem to lessen them much; in fact, they brought on more tears. At one point, my husband had to leave out of necessity to attend to other things to prepare for the next day, but also just because he needed some alone time to figure out how to handle this emotionally. When he got back we eventually came to the conclusion that we needed to start seriously not being too serious about this subject or we would drive ourselves crazy. We really did not know what was facing us yet and to be emotionally drained going forward was not the best thing either. So, we were resolved to prepare for the worst, but hope for the best.
Telling my kids about what was going to happen next was a pretty hard thing to do. We waited until the boys were both done with work to inform them of how the next day was going to play out. My husband and I both expected that it would be hard for them to accept; their shock and silence told me they weren't able to handle all the emotions coming at them. My oldest was having a hard time with the jokes that my husband and I made, but I explained "It's either laugh or cry and I for one would rather laugh." After a little independent conversation with each of them, I had hoped that they would be okay. Their hugs were comforting even if we still really didn't know what the news would be tomorrow.
The doctor had told us that if things were really bad, coronary by-pass surgery was a possibility. That is the one thing that terrified me the most because anything could go wrong during open-heart surgery. The priority for me was that my husband knew what he needed to do next (even if he was not emotionally ready to handle it) in the event of my death. I got things written down for him so he knew where to find the important papers like my will (luckily I had updated it about 3 weeks ago), where the life insurance policy was and where the obituary was in my documents. Yes, I'm that prepared. I wrote the obituary many years ago because I've always wanted to have all my bases covered. Plus, I feel that facing the inevitability of and accepting death will occur eventually is the best way to have a healthy relationship with that life event.
The thing that was hardest for me though, from the time the doctor told me of what the test results could mean and up until the moment before the procedure, was the possibility of leaving my husband and children to cope with life without me. I've always raised my kids to be independent and expected my husband to be a strong person, but I'm the one who has worried over them the most and made sure that if they needed me I was there for them every step of the way. I realize that I wouldn't know exactly how hard it would be for them, but it bothered me deeply that I would be the one to cause them such pain in their lives; unintentionally, but the reason they would experience such sorrow.
That is what made for a shitty night's sleep before the procedure. But experiencing a lack of sleep didn't stop the level of adrenaline from coursing through my body; I was wide awake and alert during the intake and right up until they loaded me up with medication before the procedure. That part I was really looking forward to. It took away the cares of the day before and I experienced a little release from the stress.
Once the doctor got into the heart and released the dyes, they were able to determine that 99% of my Right Coronary Artery, 80% of the Left Diagonal and 40% of another artery, which name escapes me at the moment, were blocked by plaque. The RCA received two stents and the left received one. So now, I was a human being with three metal stents in my heart. I've moved on to a new club whose dues require a total life change. How exciting. I found all this out after the procedure as I was not fully coherent until a bit after, but my husband got the news right after everything was done.
I slowly came back after the procedure and by the time the drugs had worn off, I was feeling like there was a definite change that had occurred. Yes, I was incredibly sore where they had go into the femoral artery above my right leg, and there was an ache in my chest cavity from the heart getting used to the incredible blood flow it was experiencing, but the fact that I felt like I wasn't in a fog and very clear in the head was the first thing that I noticed. Amazing what good oxygen flow to the heart will do. Just wow. I had to openly chuckle and think to myself "Imagine what I will be able to do when my body catches up with my head!"
After the procedure, I spent the day and night in the ICU and was tended to by wonderful nurses (here's a shout-out to Caroly, who was the inspiration for writing this account!) and great technicians, even though the day and night was a constant battle with the blood pressure cuff and getting woken up at the most inconvenient time for labs and tests. Not a restful recovery, but still it was sprinkled with good connections to the staff who made it their mission to be as helpful as possible. They made it very bearable and I thank them for getting me through a tough time.
I'm home now and resting comfortably. My husband and I are working out the details to having the best recovery and a brighter, healthier future. He's been making sure that I don't over-extend myself, which he knows I can do very easily. He is insisting that I follow the requirements that my doctor has given me - slow and steady in all actions, but start moving in the direction of normal activity. My love has helped me walk around the kitchen island one extra time each time I have to get up to go to the bathroom or if two to three hours have passed. I'm up to four times around now. It's only been one day since I've been home; I would say that's a good sign for my recovery.
This was definitely what they refer to as a wake-up call. Considering my family history, I really was convinced that with the stamina I possessed and the care I was already taking with my body, DNA wouldn't play as big a part that it did; I was wrong. I imagine that I will continue to get stronger as I institute healthier food choices, more physical activities and ease off on the stressful things in my life. Although I'm not a big fan of prescription medication and the dependence on any drug, I have to say it's already having a dramatic effect on me as the blood pressure numbers are finally in the normal range.
The procedure I went through and the stents now in place have risks associated with them that the average person does not have to be concerned with, so there still might be some unexpected things in my future, but I honestly have to say the benefits outweigh the risks. I might have to face another life or death situation again with reference to what was done, but who are we kidding... we face life or death every day. Life goes on until then.
So, all in all, this was the most incredible 'roller coaster of a ride' event in my life, to date. I had always pegged giving birth to my children as the most dramatic, but really the births were just the most painful and then ultimately, the most fulfilling after the hardship. Going through this really took me through emotions much more extreme than I've ever had to feel. Luckily, the outcome was a good one... this time.
I recently read a post on Facebook that said it was a lie that you only live once. Actually, you live every day but only die once. The person who said this was correct. I'm so glad that I'll have a chance to be here, living more days with all the people who make my life incredibly worth living.
*For all my local friends - Should you ever find yourself in need of a great cardiologist - Dr. Drew Allen, DO, Interventional Cardiologist - Hutchinson Regional Medical Center. Not only does he have some mad skills, he's got one of the best bedside manners I have ever witnessed.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Prayer - Why?
 | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| lolroflmao.com |
I can't help it. Being an action-driven person, I really think that praying is a complete and utter waste of time. What motivates people to pray is not something I will ever completely understand, nor will I stop being critical of this form of non-action. To be clear, I'm only knocking 'prayer' itself, the act of doing it and believing that it has any rational place in situations where action is mandated.
Recently, I attempted to validate what I thought were the reasons that would lead my Christian friends to deem prayer an acceptable response to any situation. It was an incredibly unscientific survey and even sabotaged by a few atheists who thought I was a troll! That part was funny, the atheists sabotaging it... not.
Would my friends corroborate what I thought about prayer by answering a few simple questions for me? More than a few actually answered my short survey. I've always understood that prayer was very important to them, probably just as much as it was to me that a much different response was required. When situations present themselves, to me or anyone, I think it is worthy of some type of a reaction that brings a resolution. My immediate response is offering my services or doing something that will immediately solve the problem; those that only offer a prayer... well, that's all they do.
Would my friends corroborate what I thought about prayer by answering a few simple questions for me? More than a few actually answered my short survey. I've always understood that prayer was very important to them, probably just as much as it was to me that a much different response was required. When situations present themselves, to me or anyone, I think it is worthy of some type of a reaction that brings a resolution. My immediate response is offering my services or doing something that will immediately solve the problem; those that only offer a prayer... well, that's all they do.
Prior to sending out that survey, I had come to certain conclusions about what the responses might be and was hoping that the answers would either validate my questions or help me to understand something different about my preconceived ideas about their reasons for praying.
The two areas that were of most importance to me were why they prayed and how it made them feel. Out of the 33 people who said they prayed, 22 or 67% answered 'It gives me comfort.' On how prayer made them feel afterward, 23 or 70% of the people answered that it made them feel 'Better'. Those two questions confirmed what I had thought was the major reason for praying. Understand, this was in no way a scientific study, just me asking some of my friends what their thoughts were, but interestingly enough, the majority answered as I suspected they would. Prayer was primarily a mechanism to make 'them' feel better, while they think they are affecting change for those in need of prayer. Whether or not a positive outcome manifests for those requiring it really isn't the issue. It is irrelevant, kind of like prayer is anyway.
 |
| https://www.facebook.com/WFLAtheism |
I couldn't resist using these amusing visuals in this piece, as they highlight, very accurately I might add, that prayer is ineffectual. The studies done on prayer also validate what many have maintained over the years. Prayer doesn't work or do anything, for that matter, and can actually bring about more dire consequences. For me, prayer simply means that it is clasping your hands together rather than actually doing something productive for someone in need. It also means the people in need are left to fend for themselves rather than receiving the assistance that could give them relief or real answers.
 |
| Thanks, Alexey Mihaylin! |
I'll give a perfect example of why prayer alone is useless. A friend of the family is dying a slow and painful death. At his last birthday, recently, there were many friends and neighbors on hand to give him a smile and a hug and tell him "I'll pray for you." Mind you these are supposedly friends and nearby neighbors, all wishing that his circumstance wasn't what it was. How very Christian of them to do what they feel is the most appropriate thing in dire situations, but I have to report that not one of those people has stopped back in for a visit, helped take care of something or done ANYTHING to ease this situation. And interestingly the ones in attendance at that party who really are 'there for him', they haven't been nor will they be praying for him or anyone else. But they are doing everything in their power to help him through this horrific time in his life through acts of kindness, taking care of things that he can't, being available when needed and helping when he just can't help himself. Prayer doesn't make those things just happen all by themselves. To the people who just said "I'll pray for you." and were not heard from again; let me just say "Fuck You."
There are those who may pray and also attempt to solve or provide an actual resolution to the person's situation. I applaud all those of faith who feel spurred to action in any bad situation, even though they also prayed about it. But then I would ask why do they choose to pray in conjunction with their efforts when they realize that human effort is required anyway? Just go be a do-gooder then! Seems to me that their actions indicate they understand that prayer doesn't work, as evidenced by the substantive display of action. Why would they choose to also waste their time praying about something that is then resolved by that action? It just simply doesn't make any sense to me.
Many of faith would say that they benefit when someone has prayed for them. Yes, superficially, I would agree. Those on the receiving end of prayer feel like people are 'thinking' about them and 'care' about them, just like I would if someone said: "You're in my thoughts." That's it, they are 'thinking' about me, but they are not actually 'doing' anything! Am I grateful that they care? Absolutely, but again, prayer does NOTHING to solve any situation in need of answers or actions.
The act of praying is not even remotely beneficial to a person in a crisis situation. What it does for the people of faith, either on the receiving end or the giving end, is offer them nothing but a false sense of hope. That is sad to me. Why does anyone choose to add a touch of the supernatural rather than deal in reality? Ironically, the majority of people who are in crisis situations dial 9-1-1 immediately anyway, kind of negating having a belief that prayer would do the trick. How much faith do they really have in a god then, if that's the case?
Thanking god for the positive outcomes in situations that had actual action attached to them is another silly thing to do. Silly and illogical. We have all been privy to many situations in hospitals where every nurse and every doctor are doing everything in their power to make sure the patient stays alive, and when they succeed, a higher power gets the applause. Why does god get the thanks for that effort? Had no intervention taken place that person would most likely be dead, as evidenced by so many situations where children have died at the hands of parents who believed their god would take care of their young one's illnesses. Listing them all here would make your heartbreak.
Just talking to yourself with your hands clasped is not an acceptable form of helping, to me. Praying solves nothing, does nothing and contributes nothing but making the person doing the praying feel better. Prayer is useless and selfish. That's it.
Also published on AtheismResource.com
Sunday, May 20, 2012
God is Like My Mother
Many are thankful to have had a loving mother as a guide, teaching and nurturing them before they set out into their own lives. Frequently mothers will continue to present themselves as being a source of love that can be relied on to provide something those seeking it cannot provide for themselves. The title of mother and the women aptly named as such, are generally representative of being loving people. Not in all cases, but generally most beings would consider them loving and trustworthy. If someone is raised in a home where love and respect is continually shown through words and deeds, then the recipients of that love and respect know they can trust the source.
I can't say that I have that type of a relationship with my own mother. Thankfully, I do have many relationships that would prove to me what being loving and trustworthy are all about. They taught me what it means to have those qualities and gave me the opportunity to teach my children what it means to be there for them and others. To me, love means knowing you can count on someone to do as they say they will do and trust is established when you can repeatedly expect that to happen.
What creates the most stress in my relationship with my mother is that she frequently says one thing and then proceeds to act entirely different. I have a huge trust issue with her due to that fact. This past Easter got me thinking about the trust that followers have in their spiritual buddy. Easter Sunday is the holiest of celebrated days for believers; the torture, death and resurrection of their lord and savior is revered specifically for what he went through for them. And the followers love and thank him for his sacrifice for them.
The actions that allegedly played out for jesus that fateful day do not evoke emotions for me that scream an allegiance to god, rather they make me question the sincerity of the words that god claims he is a loving god. These events bring me back to the days of things that occurred in my childhood involving my mother. The events that made me realize that loving someone and treating them poorly do not equal a loving relationship.
How are the religious folks even remotely okay with jesus getting the bejeezzus flagellated out of him when their supposed 'loving' god is the actual reason for the poor carpenter getting sacrificed in the first place? Remember now, this is god's plan to give them an out for being such bad sinning human beings. Faithful followers everywhere are okay with the thought "Yes, let me allow my son to be tortured unrelentingly and made to hang crucifixion style, agonizingly, for however long until his death because I love you and want you to be with me. Through him all is possible."
This incident, specifically, and one example after another shown to us in the bible depicts an incredibly different god; one who does such horrific things and then supposedly does them ONLY 'because' of that love he has for human beings. Huh? Why are red flags not going off in EVERY religious mind in the face of that hypocrisy? Can it be shown anymore perfectly that this is non-trust provoking behavior! All the events that led up to Easter being the high holiest of days is the perfect example of someone who can't be trusted to do what he proclaims!
I repeatedly question why followers aren't asking themselves how their heavenly 'father' chooses to actively promote this action of letting his son die on the cross if he is really such a loving god. Not to mention allowing his son to go through the alleged torture prior to being nailed and displayed on said cross. Doesn't that for even one hot minute strike a chord in believers that this goes against what 'being loving' means? Would they, considering themselves to be loving people, ALLOW these types of events to occur to their own children?
Alarms should be going off! All buttons actively firing, flashing and ringing out with the message that these are not actions of a loving and reasonable god. Actually, quite the opposite! How can the claim be made that 'our god is an awesome god and our god is a loving god'? It's simply not true.
Close, loving and personally satisfying relationships are based on a mutual trust and respect for one another. Loving relationships can be counted on to provide messages of endearment that are supported by deeds showing the other person consistently 'they've got your back' and won't let you down. Loving relationships build a foundation of trust that is continuously reinforced through loving acts. That bond and the trust gets stronger when the truth that is shown us is a love that can be seen and heard consistently and without fail.
When actions speak a different language than what is originally heard, questions should immediately be raised and doubts interjected into the previously held thought process. My relationship with my mother, after many years of hearing one thing and seeing another, helped me to understand that I wasn't dealing with someone who was loving. I was in a relationship with someone who 'thought' she was but didn't have the first clue about what it meant be that person. Many of her actions in fact were opposite of what demonstrated love. Being a reasonable person showed me how to question and then intelligently remove myself from that destructive relationship.
Using reason saves you, not believing a fictitious man in the sky.... especially one who lies.
I can't say that I have that type of a relationship with my own mother. Thankfully, I do have many relationships that would prove to me what being loving and trustworthy are all about. They taught me what it means to have those qualities and gave me the opportunity to teach my children what it means to be there for them and others. To me, love means knowing you can count on someone to do as they say they will do and trust is established when you can repeatedly expect that to happen.
What creates the most stress in my relationship with my mother is that she frequently says one thing and then proceeds to act entirely different. I have a huge trust issue with her due to that fact. This past Easter got me thinking about the trust that followers have in their spiritual buddy. Easter Sunday is the holiest of celebrated days for believers; the torture, death and resurrection of their lord and savior is revered specifically for what he went through for them. And the followers love and thank him for his sacrifice for them.
The actions that allegedly played out for jesus that fateful day do not evoke emotions for me that scream an allegiance to god, rather they make me question the sincerity of the words that god claims he is a loving god. These events bring me back to the days of things that occurred in my childhood involving my mother. The events that made me realize that loving someone and treating them poorly do not equal a loving relationship.
How are the religious folks even remotely okay with jesus getting the bejeezzus flagellated out of him when their supposed 'loving' god is the actual reason for the poor carpenter getting sacrificed in the first place? Remember now, this is god's plan to give them an out for being such bad sinning human beings. Faithful followers everywhere are okay with the thought "Yes, let me allow my son to be tortured unrelentingly and made to hang crucifixion style, agonizingly, for however long until his death because I love you and want you to be with me. Through him all is possible."
This incident, specifically, and one example after another shown to us in the bible depicts an incredibly different god; one who does such horrific things and then supposedly does them ONLY 'because' of that love he has for human beings. Huh? Why are red flags not going off in EVERY religious mind in the face of that hypocrisy? Can it be shown anymore perfectly that this is non-trust provoking behavior! All the events that led up to Easter being the high holiest of days is the perfect example of someone who can't be trusted to do what he proclaims!
I repeatedly question why followers aren't asking themselves how their heavenly 'father' chooses to actively promote this action of letting his son die on the cross if he is really such a loving god. Not to mention allowing his son to go through the alleged torture prior to being nailed and displayed on said cross. Doesn't that for even one hot minute strike a chord in believers that this goes against what 'being loving' means? Would they, considering themselves to be loving people, ALLOW these types of events to occur to their own children?
Alarms should be going off! All buttons actively firing, flashing and ringing out with the message that these are not actions of a loving and reasonable god. Actually, quite the opposite! How can the claim be made that 'our god is an awesome god and our god is a loving god'? It's simply not true.
Close, loving and personally satisfying relationships are based on a mutual trust and respect for one another. Loving relationships can be counted on to provide messages of endearment that are supported by deeds showing the other person consistently 'they've got your back' and won't let you down. Loving relationships build a foundation of trust that is continuously reinforced through loving acts. That bond and the trust gets stronger when the truth that is shown us is a love that can be seen and heard consistently and without fail.
When actions speak a different language than what is originally heard, questions should immediately be raised and doubts interjected into the previously held thought process. My relationship with my mother, after many years of hearing one thing and seeing another, helped me to understand that I wasn't dealing with someone who was loving. I was in a relationship with someone who 'thought' she was but didn't have the first clue about what it meant be that person. Many of her actions in fact were opposite of what demonstrated love. Being a reasonable person showed me how to question and then intelligently remove myself from that destructive relationship.
Using reason saves you, not believing a fictitious man in the sky.... especially one who lies.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)