Betrayal

Your actions made me feel like I wasn't special to you.

You claimed...

     I was important to you. Did you show it?

     I was a good friend. But obviously not enough for you.

     You loved me unconditionally, but I was too much to take.

     I was unique and different, but I was too combative because of the way I think.

     I was such a role model, but truly too honest for you. What with all the speaking out so much.

     It's good that I'm honest. But I just wasn't sensitive enough to others.

But I was just being me.

And you didn't know how to take me.

Then I doubted myself because of you.

I shouldn't have.

Our connection ceased to exist because of selfishness. Your selfishness, and your ego.

A war of two individuals whose permanent solution ended up in no victory for either side. And you gave up while I was actually still fighting for us. 

Then I let you go.... willingly.

Self-preservation was required.

I realized that all you would do is continue to injure me.

Just know...

I am important.

     I have value.

          I am special.

               You will never fuck me over again.

Just Waiting For You To Die...

... misogynists
... bigots
... racists
... willfully ignorant
... intolerant of others
... black and white world viewers
... self-absorbed people using any means necessary to promote their world view
... extremists, in thinking and in action, in any subject matter
... anti-intellectuals or anti-progress
... arrogant people
... manipulators

but what I hate most - the above indoctrinating our children! The only good thing is, the more of you die the less indoctrination that will occur.

Myself and others will continue to point out what is inherently wrong with your attitude, shut you down at every turn and ensure that others don't follow your way of thinking.

We promise.

I'm Angry

You know that feeling when you could jump out of your skin when you see a perceived injustice or stupidity unraveling before you?

I feel this quite often being on the Internet or just walking out my front door.

I'm really, really, really, REALLY, REALLY getting sick of things that bring me to this place. Realize that I understand I'm in control of my emotions, feeling this way is only brought on because of what I have deemed worthy of getting upset about. 

Here's just the short list...

• the unending stream of people who claim they have all the answers and, in reality, the lack of understanding they produce
• seeing proof of humans being unkind or hurtful, intentionally, for the fun of it or worse, to make a point - whatever that point may be
• having politicians who hold positions of power when all they really want is power in a position from which to control things
• watching illogical and unreasonable people decide the fate of others, not just in politics but in everyday life
• feeling betrayed by those claim to have your best interest at heart
• people suffering because of the lack of compassion in those who are in a position to help
• watching the innocent and the vulnerable be neglected by the greedy, powerful and disinterested in this world

This world needs to be a better place. Its inhabitants are counting on it. Really... if we don't get our shit together, and start taking care of each other and ourselves, what kind of place will we really end up inhabiting?

Pro-Potential Life, But Really Pro-Choice

When I was pregnant with my two children, I was in situations that weren't entirely out of control and I had a mindset of not approving of abortions for myself. For me, the life I helped to create was one I was obligated to bring to term. My first pregnancy, I was invested from a place of love, even though the situation wasn't the greatest. But I believed it was the natural consequence for which I, along with my partner, should take full responsibility for. The second time there was no question we had two fully engaged and loving parents, and we knew we could raise him in a somewhat secure financial situation. Abortion was never a consideration, nor would it ever have been an option as I was so happy to have received the news and knew I would provide the best I could for my children.

But I've always felt that the decision to have an abortion lies with the woman who is about to have one. It is her body, her pregnancy and something that impacts the course of her life, making this her personal choice. She must confront and weigh all the options when making that decision - does she terminate the potential life within her or decide to see it through to the end of her legal responsibility to that imminent child?

I knew a person who, during her lifetime, had three abortions which honestly left me with a negative view of this woman for many years. And it evoked so many questions, ones she never fully nor satisfactorily answered when asked. How does someone let that happen three times, and each time the only option is termination of the pregnancy? How does a grown woman who obviously has the ability to educate herself and use any number of available contraceptive options get pregnant? And when that contraception fails, how does this same woman make that choice to not carry to term the potential life that is a product of her supposedly loving, close relationship with her significant other? Why would she decide to end a potential human being just because she has that option?

Those are questions I have struggled with as a pro-choice person all my life because I also have a tendency to think that if you get pregnant - you carry within you a potential life and it is developing in you because of actions you participated in. We all know that every action has a consequence and that is the part I get hung up on. The phrase You've made your bed, now lie in it comes to mind. But...

Every free woman is guaranteed by Roe V. Wade to make those decisions for herself but on some level to know that many who are supposed to be role models of adulthood would choose to end a potential life, it leaves me feeling sad. How could they make that decision? It is a part of you and the person you chose to be intimate with and probably love! That guided my thinking for a long time.

But then I lived life for many more years and began to look at the situations that many of these women face. The women could be single or married, and are just not able to financially ensure these children would get their basic needs met. Maybe they also endured a poor quality of life and don't want to subject another possible human to those conditions. Many of us know that a life of poverty is not a good place to be, but then the question is, what about the women who can afford to raise a child and still get an abortion?

Their situations could be fraught with emotional and/or physical abuse, the individual who contributed his DNA is in a bad place - unable to be a good parent, abusive, neglectful. Many times, this alone is an agonizing emotional situation that steers a woman to this place of choosing an abortion. Couple that with financial instability, and I can understand now making that choice.

After having had two children myself, I now understand these women could be wrestling with the idea their potential child might end up in a situation being deprived of the emotional security they deserved. As innocents brought into this world without their permission, they require that, at the very least. Babies being deprived of the best offering of loving and nurturing at the start of entering their new life is a set-up for disastrous consequences as they try to maneuver through life. Where would they get the basic foundation of becoming the whole human beings they need to be to enjoy a future quality of life when what they encounter is uncertainty, angst, volatility and deprivation? We would set them on a path of not having a stable sense of themselves or a safe family they could turn to when their future let them down. I understand why women would choose abortion in this case.

I can imagine these scenarios repeat over and over in the heads of women faced with a pregnancy that is not openly welcomed, planned for or even wanted at the time... regardless of the fact they might otherwise embrace a potential life. When they are faced with the reality that their lives are less than optimum, they choose to protect a potential life from having a rather bad one. I can see that now.

Add to this debate rape victims, and you have an even wider pool of reasons to terminate pregnancies. The devastation a woman potentially feels learning she would have to endure more physical evidence of that act of violence perpetrated on her. It would look into her eyes every day. Imagine being reminded of the fear and shame you had to endure at the hands of a maniac? What kind of love are you able to give a child who deserves your love and support but all you can feel is disgust? I would rather her bring a wanted and already loved child into the world.

We would hear the words uttered Every life is precious! The potential life brought into the world pro-lifers are trying to protect will be exposed to more risk factors like poverty and child abuse, are more likely to be dependent on social services, and/or end up in jail. Their lives overall won't be as precious as they'd like you to think. How about they look at that and the cost to this society versus that little clump of cells called a potential life. In reality, this life they want to save was just conceived at the wrong time.

Could a potentially bleak financial and/or emotionally distraught situation turn around in their future? Absolutely, but at the time these pregnant women make these decisions, their current state of being is the only one they can base their decision on. They are assessing their current state of affairs with everything coming in at them from every direction and trying to make the best rational decision. It is an extremely difficult decision to make with all that has to be considered.

But at the end of the day, I hope they answer the question that is most important. What does the potential emerging child deserve if they didn't abort? It deserves a good life filled with love, respect, a quality of life and a loved one with a support system that will do what it can to enrich, enlighten and protect that child. In other words, an innocent who never asked to be born deserves what we all crave and deserve - that potential can translate into a meaningful outcome. That's really what it means to be Pro-Life.

I may be Pro-Potential Life, but I'm still Pro-Choice because it's really not my choice. I'm not the pregnant one. And I'm not the one who has to grieve or feel guilty if they do bring another life into this world whose existence is tainted by the bad this world has to offer.

Family Is Overrated

kris krug

Well a good one isn't, but just because we're related doesn't make the relationship better or more special. What makes these connections good, any actually, are the shared experiences, the love, honesty, loyalty and the trust between the individuals. Not some meme that floats around Facebook that claims a mother's love is precious, sisters are the greatest, great dads protect their daughters, brothers are your best friend, etc... oh, barf. A decent and more honest meme would be one identifying the person who has thrilled the other and why.

We all have family we can't stand because of their actions, their attitudes or their way of thinking but more importantly because of how they have treated us. Being family doesn't make them better just because of their DNA. Actually, it makes them worse people if their only claim to their special-ness is that they are related to you when their actions as humans suck, and especially when their suckiness is directed at you.

I'd like to think that this whole world could get along like the best of what family is supposed to represent, but we know that is an unattainable myth because you know... differences and ego. And that's okay. But until we reach some enlightenment about how people should really treat each other, please stop putting family on some sort of pedestal. Some family is no different than the worst people our society has to offer.

I used to think that because my kids were physically birthed from me that connection alone made it more special. It doesn't, it just makes it different than relationships that happen to us through our interaction in the world. What makes them better (in my eyes) is the amount of care and nurture that went into making them the best they could be. In turn, hopefully with enough good steering, they will then take over and be non-reckless drivers without me. Their contributions to this world will speak to what kind of people they will become, and thereby how human and humane they are. Our relationship depends on two factors only, them and me. If I can succeed on reassuring them that I love them, prove it with my actions and be consistent in my efforts, then I can consider we have a decent relationship. Then my family is worthy of me salivating sickly sweetness over them. But only them and not family in general.

Kids Will Believe Anything, It's Exactly Why Indoctrination Starts At Birth

http://zerobs.net

Children believe shit... period. Especially from people they trust - teachers, parents, friends - although the order of trust may be different. I'm not shocked, having two of my own that swallowed things hook, line and sinker at not so crucial times.

Imagine my chuckles when a teacher came into my job and described how students in her class were mistakenly led to believe she had 'eyes in the back of her head' when she could detail actions of her students doing things without her directly looking at them, and then would chastise them when her head was turned the other way for things 'she couldn't have possibly seen!' It scared them into thinking she did indeed have that super power! The children, being as naive as they probably would be at that age, didn't realize she had the benefit of a reflection of a window or mirror at her disposal. Obviously, she never shared that little detail with them while they were squirming or later when she could have come clean.

Hearing her laugh about what kids would ultimately believe from people whom they trusted is what lead me to this thought... Kids truly do believe anything, and this is the very reason why indoctrination takes place from the time they are born. The sooner they are fed stories about a parent's belief system, the sooner they will emulate what they have been taught. The intention of the parents may be to ensure their place in Heaven, but the exercise of not thinking for themselves is grounded in what the institution of religion wants and always has wanted... to take center stage no matter what, the individual be damned. There is no such thing as autonomy, it's only about what the collective wants so let the assimilation begin... as soon as they are born.

It's not just about what they believe, but it's about continuing the retelling of the same stories... over and over again. It just makes it harder for the kids to confront the belief system or ultimately ask the relevant questions when it's continually forced down their throats, that's why it's called indoctrination. It's a systematic process and it's one that is reinforced by Bible School, church on Wednesdays and Sundays (or whenever the specific denomination meets) and those supreme holidays like Christmas and Ash Wednesday, or whichever high holy days that specific religion or church decrees.

Ironically, the teacher I mention is religious and she can't see how the misleading of young children contributes to the cycle of indoctrination she condones, even though she would readily admit in this instance she is a participant in lying to her students. If only people (like her, and all) would truly reevaluate the things they engage in. If only they understood the impact of their actions. It actually would positively affect their small bubble of influence if only they would tailor their behavior and actions to reality, and thereby the rest that, by chance, came in contact with it.

Hmmm...I wish.

On Being Accepting

evariyun.blogspot.com

Tolerance Without Anger/Frustration = Acceptance

Maybe one of these days I will truly get to that point of complete acceptance of others. When I'm engaged with people who struggle to change my point of view because they don't approve of it, I have a real hard time being tolerant. I've never been one to enjoy being told what to do or what to think. When I was much younger, I not only had absolutely no desire to understand how others did things differently than me, but I was also all about making sure they started doing it my way. In some instances, with my husband, I still insist! Just ask him. But he'll tell you it's ok, she's smart.

Maturing through life experience has helped me understand that this journey we all take is a two way street. There is much to be said for not always having things your way. When I learned that I wan't always right and love/harmony/peace was worth going for, well that helped me a lot when I was finally ready to accept that nugget of information. Having said that though, life and situations don't always go so smoothly just because you want them to. It takes effort and patience, something else that has taken me some time to add to the armor I wear on the inside.

I can't say I always want acceptance either. Many times it's because I'm truly not invested in that person. So, simply said, their acceptance of me just doesn't matter. In other instances, peace of mind comes from not engaging with someone I know is really only out there to start trouble for the sake of hearing themselves speak. For the most part I can tolerate and even be accepting of another person and their viewpoints, specifically when they respect me enough to understand I deserve the same treatment. However, I still struggle with the frustration of others dictating what I should naturally want to be according to them. They obviously are more of an authority of who the best Susi should or could be. That raises the hair on my neck a bit and sets my jaws to clenching. My TMJ is not pleased.

That last bit of not getting rattled, that's the one thing that I will probably work on until the day I die. It's that thoroughly independent streak in me I've had since I was little; old habits die hard, I guess. DO NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO!! I imagine a small blonde wild child in my head saying this; this old bird feeling it through and through, still. This was and still is, literally, the hardest thing for me to not see red about when it comes up for me in my life. When I feel like someone is trying to control me either through their actions, words or tone, it sets me off. Try being accepting of that other person after that happens! It's not easy.

But I think we should try. When I look at this world today and even after I read about our history, there is some much we could gain if only we could drop the desire to control situations and other people. I want to attain more peace as I get older and enjoy life rather than struggle with people who have a whacked idea about how I should lead my life. I want to learn how to let go of the frustration and anger; in its place, maybe pick up some joy instead.

I really do appreciate the gushy warm feeling when I read the words and sentiment in the picture above. It reminds me that peace and acceptance emanates from us when we choose to look at those things that have nothing to do with control of another human. Appreciation of the humane-ness we all have to offer gives us that ease towards one another. We have to show it for one, but if we choose to see it in others then we can both feel better about our interactions. Somewhere inside we have to look for the peace in ourselves and others in order to have tolerance without anger and frustration. But there has to be a willingness... on both parts.

For now, I will say that I will do my best to achieve what I need... a calm interior that doesn't automatically jettison feelings opposite of what I'm trying to remain and attain. Namaste

Letter To My Son

"Set the thermostat of your life at the temperature that suits

 you best and let those around you dress in layers."

Claudia Trupp

What do you tell someone about a future that is uncertain at this stage of his life? You talk to your friends, their parents, watch the news…. It’s all the same… it looks bad and it might hamper what could be the start of a brilliant life for you.

I guess my message to you now would be please don’t listen to all the bad news, misinformation and the people who have given up on the ability they have inside of themselves to succeed and then try to make sure that those around them don’t succeed either. You know misery loves company and I don’t want misery for you… I want a life full of adventure, joy and jam-packed with the things that help you become the best man you can be. 

I say - Own your strengths and let them take you to the places you want to go in your life. Having a good life is about defining what makes you the best you are AND believing that to be true. That’s the reason I love the quote above and hope that you will always take that to heart. And I think for the most part, you already do! You are a head-strong person and that nugget will serve you well in this life, but like we’ve said before… use your evil for good! And I know, deep down, you will. 

We, as your parents, have tried to give you the basics of making good decisions and guiding you to really knowing what it is you want for yourself to be happy. These basics will help guide you in making decisions in your life that will benefit you. As you move forward in this journey, keep in mind how those decisions impact those around you, not just the people closest to you, but all people, places and things. You never know how something you say or do will come back to you. There are soooo many good resources to help you in your journey… keep yourself open to it all!

Over the years, I’ve come across many good quotes that reaffirm my beliefs. One that I enjoy is this one…. “Demand of yourself, what you expect of others”.  Dad has one, too….“Always be true to yourself and honest to others." Good words, as you step out more and more in this thing called your life as an adult.

My dear boy…. now a man, where has the time gone?  As your mother, I wish for you a life that YOU can be proud of! Just so you know…I’m already proud of my son just for being my son. We’ve had struggles over the years and I can accept those; that is a part of life. I’m sure there will be more, humans tend to create controversy wherever they go. But as long as we decide that we are important enough to each other, we will overcome those struggles. I’m sure of it. As my son, I want you to know that who you are to me is what I care about the most and what I’m looking forward to is seeing what great accomplishments you will enjoy in your life as this man I helped to create and nurture to adulthood.

Know that if you need me or this family to help you in your journey, we are always there for you. So, I hope that as you venture out further, you know that the best thing you’ve got going for yourself is you… use yourself wisely, take care of yourself – mind, body and soul and remember to nurture the goodness inside as the rest of the world gets to have a piece of you.

And just so you know…I loved you when you were born, I love you now and I will love you forever… with all my heart.   

Full of Love, But Then Empty

Nobody tells you how devastated you are going to feel. 

Your experience is one of joy, of knowing that you will bring a product of love into the world. The pregnancy is a combination of all that’s good about you and the one who made you feel the need to offer yourself as a vessel for that love. Oh, it feels right. You’ve made the best possible decision you have ever made and it’s growing inside you. The love you feel for your man, the union you have and the child you’ve made together – it is bliss, magnified times ten. At least, it was for me.

You feel giddiness and a depth of emotion like no other in the beautiful moments of planning your future together, and in sharing your expectations with each other. All smiles… so much love… you feel like you’ll just burst with excitement. Wanting to experience every rich moment, but longing for the time to speed up so that your dreams can finally manifest. Everything you feel, you think and what you know in those precious moments before the dreams are realized is that everything is positive and the experiences are all good. Even the not-so-good moments because the end game is you’ll have produced the child you have pictured in your mind and carried in your heart.

My period was notoriously predictable. The pregnancy test I’d done only three days after being late confirmed I was right about my physical state. We were pregnant!  And we were so happy. I wasn’t very far along, maybe six to eight weeks pregnant when the bleeding started. My imagination, of course, took me to the worst possible outcome. And I was right. I usually enjoy being right, but this killed me.

No one is ever prepared to have their dreams challenged. It takes your breath away to go from a deeply involved state of happiness to feeling utter emptiness; one that seems to preclude resolution.

When I received confirmation that I wasn’t pregnant anymore, the ache of feeling so alone without the little person who filled all those visions of my future made my insides feel raw. My thoughts were tinged with so many emotions, feelings of inadequacy and guilt about letting my partner down. 

Where would we go from here knowing what we had already invested emotionally and mentally, was not to be? How would we, as a couple, previously filled with so much joy at the prospect of bringing our child into this world be able to relate to one another again? Especially, when I, the person whose primary responsibility it was to bring that child into the world, had just lost it. The guilt and the inability to forgive myself about the loss was so wounding for me.

I sat with this information and all the emotions that went with it for a bit before I made the phone call to my partner. Sobbing, yelling, beating the bed with my fists as well as silent tears in between during the lulls of emotion that were wracking my body; I felt suspended in an impenetrable bubble of feelings. Time passed, emotions eased up a bit and I realized that it wasn’t just about me in this tumultuous event. I needed to call my partner to let him know about the change in our reality.

Not having fully worked through all that goes with this devastating news, I think I did the best I could during that phone call. I thought I was brave and had pulled myself together. I wasn’t and hadn’t, really. After hanging up the phone I went back into the isolation and emptiness that I had been experiencing after I got the call from the doctor. The sobbing resumed.

Instinctively, I just did the next thing I had to do in my normal routine of the day – I got in the shower. My tears flowed out of me joining the stream of water from the shower head. I could only heave deeply as sadness hit while the water ran over me. It's as if the stream washing down my body kept me connected to being alive, but in my head though, nothing felt real. I only felt a deep sense of being alone, where before I felt like two and we were a part of something bigger.

What I didn’t know or even thought of was that my partner would understand. And forgive; even though forgiveness is not what was required. While I stood in the shower, he came home to console the woman he loved. He instinctively knew what I was going through, he understood how I would feel and he came home to help make it all better. His own hurt couldn’t and wouldn’t stop him from recognizing how it would impact me and what I needed in order to get past it. That day I learned how much he really loved me and what my happiness meant to him. That love is what got us through that day as well as other emotional upheavals in our lives together. I love that man for what he saw in me that needed attention, and for the strength he gave me then; what he continues to see and contribute to my well-being is a comfort and something I can count on. His care and nurture helped set me up for success in handling all the other hurdles we have endured in our lives. He helped me realize our relationship, its strength, was the something bigger part of my life, too; just like our child would have been. A baby is a wonderful part of it, but not the only part. Yes, there is a loss, but we had a foundation that is just as important to preserve.

When I look back on that moment we lost our first baby, it feels like a distant memory now, but one that still evokes incredible emotions. Tears fill my eyes as I write this. The pain I (we) endured was heart-breaking, but it created a bond with my partner in ways that I never thought, even in that moment, would cement our relationship as it did. Time, distance from the event and life experiences have taught me to be very thankful for that. That bond filled the emptiness the loss created; his love helped heal the injury I experienced to my psyche.

Mourning the loss of my unborn child was such a powerful emotion for me; the pain cut deep, but I learned an incredible amount about my relationship and its value. I can’t imagine what parents go through after the loss of a child they’ve had born to them and watched grow, but I think I can understand the ache of emptiness they would feel. I hope they have someone or people in their lives that show them a love that fills that space; open and raw becomes healed and soothed. Going on in life and thriving becomes a possibility then.

I’m an example of that.

*originally published at ReconceivingLoss.com

Friendship Defined

Friends at ease 

Friendship (Wikipedia) is a form of interpersonal relationship generally considered to be closer than association, although there is a range of degrees of intimacy in both friendships and associations. Friendship and association can be thought of as spanning across the same continuum.Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis:

• The tendency to desire what is best for the other
• Sympathy and empathy
• Honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart
• Mutual understanding and compassion
• Trust in one another (able to express feelings - including in relation to the other's actions - without the fear of being judged); able to go to each other for emotional support
• Positive reciprocity - a relationship is based on equal give and take between the two parties.

There comes a time in your life when you realize who matters, who won't anymore, who never did, and who always will. So don't worry about the people from your past, because there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.  ~ Author Unknown

Initially this blog was supposed to be about a raw nerve that got exposed with respect to some past friends, but it seems this is going to end up, primarily, about what being and having a friend means to me. The definition above is a pretty good description for my current friends, new friends who haven't had the opportunity to mess up anything on that list and a handful of really good friends who hit all those criteria on a constant basis.

Whether on-line or in person, this definition of friendship certainly sorts out the acquaintances from those we consider 'real' friends. You know those people we just don't feel like they qualify to be considered friends? We either have to interact with them because of our jobs and even have them on our Facebook list just because we know them. And we know enough about them to understand they just don't make the cut.

I think positive reciprocity is the biggest reason potentially awesome people don't become friends even though they hit all the other examples of what makes a good friend. They, for whatever reason, are unable to engage in a mutually beneficial way that is supportive of the other person. They may prefer just knowing you at a distance, can quite possibly just be too lazy or they disagree with what you represent even when most of the above criteria is their state of being. I won't stay friends with those types because when I'm a friend, you'll know it and I expect the same in return. Face it, you really can't have the trust part either when you don't have that and eventually you lose the rest of the qualities, too.

Social networks put us in a position to possibly having way more acquaintances than real friends specifically because many might be people we haven't met in person. We don't get to see how they really engage with others. But that often isn't a great gauge either because we know people can misrepresent, for whatever reason, on-line and off-line. It's true that I may not really know them, but I've seen behaviors that can tell me a lot about their character and how they fit in that criteria above. I've been very fortunate to meet many people on my page who requested my friendship and then been very pleased to call them my friends. When I interact with them, when I can share experiences with them and see their humanity play out and they are consistent, I know I was not wrong. There are quite a few of my on-line buddies that I can truly call good friends. You know who you are. :)

I really adore most of my friends not only because they mostly adhere to the qualities above, but because I've understood for myself that I have to give in order to receive. It sounds corny and almost borders on sounding religious, but, for me, it really rings true. My friends and I aren't always overlapping in each other's lives, but if there is that ability to give as much as you can, both of you, and give genuinely what the other needs; that is what positively impacts how you really feel about the other person when you see what comes back your way.

In those relationships where I've felt that it was unbalanced and I've just given way too much of myself and nothing returns, letting go is generally the option for me. I'll try to explain it to them, but after it's already been pointed out to that person that the friendship is somewhat lop-sided and still nothing... well, it's really kind of over for me at that point. I've only got a few more good years left in me and I will not waste my time with people who aren't deserving of it.

So no matter how many friends or acquaintances you have, what you qualify them as, I would always recommend that you start with positive reciprocity. They may possess the other qualities, but more than likely, won't share them with you until you can show that you know how to give what they need. And as you continue to give, the deeper and more stable that friendship will become... and it will last.

Haters Gonna Hate - Love Is Gonna Win

Revolution of Love

When and UNTIL your god magically updates every single bible in existence and all future versions contain what you now call 'traditional marriage' between one man and one woman, and only when that happens will I listen to what you have to say, maybe... well, probably not because you know... knowledge about the validity of the bible and things. In the meantime, I will respectfully ask you to STFU! You use that book to support your position of disgust to deny the LGBT community marriage equality and I, along with millions of other people, demand that you stop using that book that you wave and continually cite during this struggle to achieve equality for this community.

Read your book again before you wag your tongue and wave your righteous finger. If we were truly doing 'traditional marriages' then our nation would NOT be what it is currently. One man and one woman bound by a desire to be together is what has evolved in these modern times because where we started with, that which is represented in the bible, is reprehensible. And contradictory to what you say the bible preaches today. Knock it off and get real.

The states in this country are moving (and quickly), one by one, into the direction of extending the same rights that current marriages enjoy to those who currently don't have them. The revolution of love is occurring whether you like it or not. Think about it. You've dissed the bible in favor of much more loving relationships by agreeing that your current 'traditional marriage' is more desirable... so do it again and stand with us. Stop fighting what is right and what will ultimately happen! Marriage Equality will happen in ALL states. Your protests are useless. And your bigotry and hate only injuring your own emotional health. If you replaced it with love and acceptance, just imagine what a kinder nation this would be.

You Don't Know Me

How many times do we take assaults against our character before we react?

I'm finding that it takes less and less time for me as I grow older. Along with a strong sense of who I am, I now also possess the desire and ability to articulate against those who think they know me. It stirs the mind when they attempt battle against me. My character is in question, their anger wants to wound... it doesn't. Because I do know myself. They haven't a clue who I am while they sit on their throne of condescension. Nor did they ever care to fully understand anything beyond their initial assumptions of me.

What gets me the most is what they don't want to understand, whether it’s me or the subject matter. The more they raise their shackles against me, the harder I will protect my character. I'm finding that it's more about their own weaknesses they defend than it has ever been about me. But yet, I'm the bad guy. It can become a battle, truly, but it's one that needs to be defended against. At least it feels that way as I get older.

For too many years, I've sat back and let people walk all over my character out of fear or hesitated when they struck because of my own insecurity, lack of words or a fire in the belly that's needed to come up against those who are stuck in their ignorant minds and supported or rallied around by others who share their mentality. No more.

I deserve to be heard. That's it. Bottom line. Everyone has a voice, and everyone should be given the opportunity to speak what they feel they need to say. The only restraint one should show is the benefit of the doubt that the person receiving the message might not have heard it correctly, initially. But if after a few rounds the conversation deteriorates to name calling or insinuating falsehoods, then we have a responsibility to ourselves to stand against it. If attacked in person, one has the right to defend against it; in a forum where it's online, the same should be expected. I will and they'll wish they had known me years ago rather than now.

When we, as individuals, speak up about anything, we challenge the opposing person with a different thought process. Questioning their logic or their authority is an off-putting situation for them. So what? Do it anyway. There is nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with investigating or challenging things further. That is the point of education and understanding. If we didn't question anything we'd still be living in the stone-age. Some would like it if we were, but I know the majority of us kind of like where knowledge leads us.

My skills are still being refined and I don't necessarily always handle things the right way, but I'm learning and I think I'm getting better at handling myself at public assaults against my character. My primary goal is to ensure that the information or anything, for that matter, is accurate. Character assassination isn't my first instinct to pursue, and even when attacked, I don't usually go for the jugular. Sometimes I'm just fed up and I give as good as I get. I really don't like when it devolves to that and the majority of the time I say my last piece and move on. It's not worth it to me to continue if I my blood pressure rises. No one, no matter how mean or stupid they are, are worth it to me putting my health at risk.

Sometimes… most times, I even just laugh at the insults implied with tone and written with such emotion. I hope I can always respond that way, but I know I won't always. The subject matter might be something I'm really passionate about or their insults just too slimy not to respond appropriately. At those times it only raises my willingness to counter with more honesty and correctness. It seems to piss them off even more. And a round or two or three we go. But I’m the bad guy because their immaturity won’t allow them to see that someone else might have not only a different opinion as well as possibly be correct in that thought process.

Initially, I usually give someone the benefit of the doubt, unless of course I’ve been subjected to their immaturity in a previous discussion. They are getting to know me and probably make some assumptions before the first word comes out of my mouth. We, as humans, have a tendency to do this. I can forgive that and move on in the debate. But this venue - the Internet - gives us some anonymity, and I've seen some hit others so hard with such hatred, it surprises me immensely that we have people like this amongst us who feel justified somehow in their actions. I guess I shouldn't be considering all the inhumane things we hear about on the news every day. Nonetheless, it still takes me aback at times. Who raised these people?

I want my debates and discussions to be mature, interesting and something where I can learn something I never knew before. My position will be defended until new information comes my way to deter me from continuing to hold that position. In the meantime, what I strive for is civility, the introduction of accurate information only and having a sense of humor. My intentions are always start off by taking the high road, calmly and sharing what knowledge I have understood to be correct. I struggle with difficult people who, in certain situations, get me to a point where I will fail in pursuit of my intentions. At those times, I allow myself to degrade to their hostile level. I'm working on it and strive to do better because I don't want to be like them.

If only people really knew that about me maybe they wouldn’t spit their conversations out with such venom. Maybe not… maybe they are just douche bags from the get go. 

♥ Day

It's the one year anniversary of my heart cath that led to three stents positioned within it, all thanks to my faulty DNA. I really hadn't planned on remembering this life-altering event nor writing about it today. Had it not been for a certain set of individuals called my family, I would have just glossed over this day. After experiencing some pretty strong emotions at the sight of flowers, my heart picture and the words in my card, not writing it all down was not an option. There goes all the other stuff I wanted to focus on today, oh well.

I awoke this morning feeling like I do most days, a state somewhere between refreshed from a night's slumber and not quite ready to be awake yet. But I brushed aside the desire to stay in bed a bit longer, I forced my legs over the edge and out of the bed I went.

Turning the corner into the kitchen, I was greeted with a bouquet of flowers along with a card and this lovely printed heart from my three men. I opened the card and immediately welled up. It was thoughtful, it was sweet and it tugged at my faulty heart. Obviously this day a year ago was pretty traumatic, I just never expected that my family would want to revisit it. But I guess celebrating the fact that I've made it for one year longer... well, that's worth acknowledging. 

Now that I've had my attention focused on the day that was literally life-changing, it brings up so many different emotions and thoughts. For starters, I'd like to forget that it occurred, but I'm thankful I made it through the procedure to be here longer. So glad that worse things, like a heart attack didn't happen before we found out how detrimental the state of my heart actually was during the procedure. Feeling loved and appreciated by my men that they took the time to share their feelings for me in the card. Oh, so loved... that's the part that made me cry. You think you know they love you, but it's those unexpected moments in time when declarations made solidify the connection you have to them.

I'm also angry. Because of what happened last year, I had to change my life in so many ways to ensure that my pre-heart attack state remained that way. Between forced daily exercise and medication, I could literally scream. People who know me, know that I despise working out. They know I like to stay active, but I'm not a big fan of having to schedule in physical activity, especially when there are so many better things to do. Plus the medication has done things to my body that I'm not too happy about. My skin is different. I have rough patches, eruptions I'm not used to and exposure to the sun (which I adore being in) has to be limited. I have a sunburn from June 2nd that has yet to completely fade and it's September! What the hell is up with that? Not to mention, you touch me in the slightest and I've got a bruise. I'm not sure, but I think I've also gotten klutzier, too. But that could be age, not medication.

There was a possibility that I could have died a year ago. I'm sure that it was a rather slim chance being in the terrifically capable hands of my doctor, but nonetheless, it was a possibility. Nobody could predict how things would go during the procedure nor exactly what they would find. So, I made important decisions, got pertinent papers pulled together and said some good-byes, just in case. Coming out of it the next day with a feeling of "I've kicked life in it's ass and I'm ready to go!" propelled me straight into doing all the right things. I showed life who was boss. Twenty pounds lost later, my blood pressure is down, the blood levels are where they should be and I had my strength and energy back again. It's all good news now and my goal is just to continue to feel better. If I can help it that is and hopefully my DNA doesn't throw me out another curve ball.

Having a year pass to reflect back on that day, all in all things turned out better than expected. Physically, I'm in much better shape. Mentally, I have a more defined clarity about my life than I did previously and emotionally, well... that's the supremely excellent part. There have been other emotionally charged events since that day and yet I feel like not handling them, falling apart is so not an option at this stage. If I can survive the possibility of death, then damn... I can handle anything. I may not like it, but I can survive it. The second bit about feeling more emotionally grounded is the fact that I know what is my shit to deal with now and what I have to let others handle.

The other bonus of these types of events is the closeness you feel to your family and friends. It makes you weed out those who add no value and eliminate those unhealthy life energy sucking relationships from your circle. Who's got time to participate in a life if it's being cluttered with unnecessary drainage of your happiness? I don't. My goal is to have my joy meter stay on the high side as much as possible for the remainder of my short life.

This morning I woke up like any other day. The bonus is I'm breathing... still. In addition, I got to cry happy tears about deep, special connections and say thank you to the universe for my ability to hang on just a little while longer with them.

It's a good day, after all.

I Don't Tremble ...

•  while reading a book among believers about atheism.

•  wearing an atheist themed t-shirt in public.

•  while staunchly presenting facts against fantasy.

•  when you mock me.

•  as you spew hateful things about me.

•  when you shut me out.

•  when you replace friendship with animosity.

... like you do.

Nor will I ever apologize for it. Real ease comes from acceptance. Get some.

Not Helping... Just Sayin'

	in·ter·ne·cine /,inter’nesen/ Adjective – Destructive to both sides in a conflict I learned a new word today. And surprisingly, if I’m honest, I’ve felt like this at times in my past. Not often, but it has happened. You have probably felt this way, too. Admit it. Let me set it up for you - When you are in an argument do you find yourself saying things at just the right moment you really shouldn't, but can't stop yourself because you enjoy the hurt you see in the other person's eyes or body language? You feel a little powerful, don't you? A small victory for the big price you'll pay later. It is destructive for both sides when the person you trust wants to rejoice at your pain. The connection you share can get tattered and torn if it is something frequently done within the boundaries of your relationship. The offender is hurting to begin with if they resort to this power play, the offended begins to doubt what they share and ultimately, the wounding becomes a game both will play. The attacks get more malicious if this tactic is used consistently, the wounds even deeper. During conflict, if we focus on ending what is causing us pain rather than what short term gratification we'll feel with the pain we cause, better behaviors will emerge to help us reach what we really want to achieve. If feeling more powerful over the other person is really only what we want, then maybe we shouldn't be in those particular relationships. Let's guide ourselves to a place where we are helping to ease the pain, not adding more of it to the mix. I make it my mission not to be considered an internecine woman.

Silence Isn't Golden

When a person willingly puts the mute button on a conversation in order to avoid conflict, how in the fuck does that help the relationship? Communication is key, right?

One of my favorite lines is "Yes... No... Kiss my ass?" when I don't get feedback during a conversation, whether with a loved one or a friend. If I'm actively engaged with you in a mutually beneficial relationship, then please stop frustrating me when we are talking! It's like they either don't want to talk, won't answer questions or try to avoid what they think is about to come next. Arghh!

You've guessed it... I'm a talker. Especially when it's required, but also in casual conversation. I like to talk in general, yes, but specifically when it comes time to resolution of things. Shutting down is not an option for me. When I have something to say, I say it. Sometimes a bit blunt and direct, but always making the effort to communicate what is important. I expect the same in return.

I've had it with those moments when the silence enters the atmosphere when there should be sound. It's like a chilliness in an already cold room. Silence makes matters worse. How can things be solved when there is no communication?

I know when I was younger I literally shut down and walked away from conversations. Actually on many occasions. But that was before I understood that talking about problems, or anything for that matter, was important in order to have and maintain a good relationship. Perhaps the lack of communication is just a symptom of the real problem - immaturity?

The older I get, the more I enjoy engaging with people who will verbalize their thoughts and feelings honestly. The clock is ticking and I'll be damned if I waste anymore time waiting for the words to fall out of their mouths. Grow the hell up and learn to talk about what's going on in your head, people! I've really got better things to do than wait around till you feel more comfortable. I'd much rather be here, fully connected with you and making the relationship stronger and better because that's all talking openly and honestly really is... it's about fixing what makes you uncomfortable to begin with.

Cruel Love? Guess Not

snagged from https://www.facebook.com/raisinggodlychildren

I guess Love Story really did get it right -

 "Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Dear Life, You Can Stop Sucking Now

How do you make the decisions necessary to keep moving forward after you've gotten to a precarious emotional state, a place of indifference or a feeling of nothing but contempt? That internal space where you could have never imagined yourself feeling like that ever, before? A completely shocking, incomprehensible event that sets you over the edge, yeah... that seems about right. It shakes you, makes you question reality, turns your world upside down. Trust is shattered, nerves are frayed, your insides feel like they are bleeding out and you're sure that everyone knows. But they don't, if you don't tell them. 

The negative feelings can be camouflaged, very easily. People can't see not caring anymore, they can't fathom the distance you've created or understand the hole of emptiness you are trying to rise above from. We can be adept at hiding for many reasons, PDE is just not appropriate or so we were taught. But people around us, many times even those closest, don't or can't tune into that frequency of despair. They're busy with their own lives, their own problems and sometimes, they just don't give a shit anyway.

Hiding is sometimes just what we need to do until we're ready to take the next step. It gives us time to think and time to grieve for what no longer exists. And an opportunity to gather strength when the decisions needing to be made meet the opportunity to put them in play. It's not indecision or hesitation, sometimes it's just that timing is crucial. Involving those closest to us can actually hinder what needs to happen next.

Being a public emotional mess is especially something you don't need in order to move forward. I've experienced it many times with past crises' where the friends really do no better than just keeping you stuck in the scenario that is creating the drama. Often times they don't even know how to just be there for you; they would rather play a prime role in the destruction continuing. No thanks, I'll do it my way.

Once decisions are made and realities refocus to a new stability, friends will feign astonishment at your lack of involving them. And probably act all butt-hurt, too. How dare you not include them in your misery! Sometimes, I vacillate between wishing I could share more than I do, but then I realize there really aren't all too many people I would let in on my innermost feelings. I don't trust a whole lot of people, for one, but dealing with gobs of drama is something I usually tend to shy away from to begin with.

Rationally, taking a step back, observing my fellow humans and just getting older has taught me so much. But even more valuable lessons were learned when I let the shit drag me down so emotionally that I think to myself "How will I ever get back up again?" Feeling it surround me as if the thick ooze of mess is my new home, letting me succumb so to speak. I'm not advocating that we always give in to our deep, dark  emotions. Depending on your stability, it can have disastrous outcomes. In my case, it was precisely because of those situations and mucking down, the decisions that came out of the process brought me into a much sweeter place.

I've come to appreciate my mind and my abilities in the realm of handling emotional situations. During the dark moments where it felt like emotions were all I had, my mind still wouldn't let me go to that place where you don't recover from. These situations forced me to face things that I might not have. Decisions came about because I had no other choice, but to make them. I find I have a much keener sense of how to deal with emotional situations because of those times. As they will continue to present themselves, the emotional dis-ease will still affect me, the agonies will still occur. Life/Nature will do it's best to contribute those potential situations of unexpected upheavals.

Feelings for which you have no control over can just wash over you unexpectedly, but at least I can say that my ability to look at those feelings rationally as well as the situation that created them, guides me into a much better place than say when I was in my early 20s. Yes, getting older helps, but you can't mature unless you go through some shit, right? But enough already, I'm good.

***The day after I published this piece, a FB friend had this on her page. Thanks Amy! Summed it up nicely... Enjoy!

Resurgence                                                                       

Never underestimate a woman who is suffering
who seems to be making risky choices.
She is deep in lesson.
She is visiting the underground,
she is making sense of life in some invisible way
the fragmentation in her life could be a precursor
to a new resurgence.
She could well stun you with some home truths.

~ Sukhvinder Sircar

photo artist unknown
found on tumblr HANDCRAFTEDINVIRGINIA