Privileged, I Am

It's not hard to see I'm privileged. Looking at that wheel, I fit neatly into many of those categories.

I'm fortunate. Plain and simple. Being privileged gives me opportunities and options in life. I accept that, but don't automatically respond that it should afford me better treatment in life.

For all those out there who are embracing privilege at the expense of others, please stop acting like you are entitled to it. In reality you are just lucky!

Haphazardly winning that jackpot of  fortuitousness isn't a virtue or worthy of applause. It's by chance you are who you are.

Shame on you for thinking you can look down on those with less privilege. As if you are better.

Right. 

Yes, you are privileged, but also, an entitled and truly despicable human being.

Betrayal

Your actions made me feel like I wasn't special to you.

You claimed...

     I was important to you. Did you show it?

     I was a good friend. But obviously not enough for you.

     You loved me unconditionally, but I was too much to take.

     I was unique and different, but I was too combative because of the way I think.

     I was such a role model, but truly too honest for you. What with all the speaking out so much.

     It's good that I'm honest. But I just wasn't sensitive enough to others.

But I was just being me.

And you didn't know how to take me.

Then I doubted myself because of you.

I shouldn't have.

Our connection ceased to exist because of selfishness. Your selfishness, and your ego.

A war of two individuals whose permanent solution ended up in no victory for either side. And you gave up while I was actually still fighting for us. 

Then I let you go.... willingly.

Self-preservation was required.

I realized that all you would do is continue to injure me.

Just know...

I am important.

     I have value.

          I am special.

               You will never fuck me over again.

Christmas: Starbucks Style - It's All Good

Josh Feuerstein is at it again. He's doing his part to fuel the fictitious War on Christmas with his latest YouTube video. And apparently, some of you are following your leader.

Guys, do you not get that we don't give a shit about you celebrating Christmas however you choose? No one is forcing this tradition away, from you or at all! Starbucks and many other establishments want to include all and let them celebrate it however they want. Them changing their advertising eliminates nothing about how you want to celebrate Christmas.

"This year we wanted to usher in the holidays with a purity of design that welcomes all of our stories," said the company's vice president Jeffrey Fields."

Now, excuse me. I'm going to Starbucks and telling them my name is Happy Holidays to counter all the foolishness about this being some kind of battle instigated by the secular community to eliminate Christmas.

AND I'll let them know I LOVE their red fucking cups! #HappyHolidaysStarbucks

I'm Angry

You know that feeling when you could jump out of your skin when you see a perceived injustice or stupidity unraveling before you?

I feel this quite often being on the Internet or just walking out my front door.

I'm really, really, really, REALLY, REALLY getting sick of things that bring me to this place. Realize that I understand I'm in control of my emotions, feeling this way is only brought on because of what I have deemed worthy of getting upset about. 

Here's just the short list...

• the unending stream of people who claim they have all the answers and, in reality, the lack of understanding they produce
• seeing proof of humans being unkind or hurtful, intentionally, for the fun of it or worse, to make a point - whatever that point may be
• having politicians who hold positions of power when all they really want is power in a position from which to control things
• watching illogical and unreasonable people decide the fate of others, not just in politics but in everyday life
• feeling betrayed by those claim to have your best interest at heart
• people suffering because of the lack of compassion in those who are in a position to help
• watching the innocent and the vulnerable be neglected by the greedy, powerful and disinterested in this world

This world needs to be a better place. Its inhabitants are counting on it. Really... if we don't get our shit together, and start taking care of each other and ourselves, what kind of place will we really end up inhabiting?

Not Changing For You

Not many people would guess this tattoo represents atheist solidarity, and standing up loudly and boldly for the cause. They think I'm quoting Pink and her song "Raise Your Glass". I'm happy when I'm able to explain. Pink is awesome, the song and what it stands for is too, but my tattoo means much more than my understanding of the lyrics - standing up for those who would be kept down by a society who would like to dictate to us how to be as individuals. It's just one part of why I got the tattoo.

I'm labelled an atheist because I don't have evidence for the existence of a god. It's an accurate description of what I've come to think based on years of research, and understanding of the history of our world. I've come to this conclusion because not believing in a god is rational and it makes sense. But it doesn't to speak to my character or what kind of person I am. 

My tattoo represents my allegiance with all those who feel keeping quiet about who they are is over. When I got that tattoo, I was done keeping my views to myself out of some sort of misplaced respect for a believers views. They proudly go on and on about their thoughts, so will I. The tattoo was just a way to remind me that I had the same rights to do what they do. 

They'll wear a cross and say God Bless. I wear my atheist t-shirts and tell them to have a nice day. Believers will Thank God! when good things happen, I'll point out why a medical intervention is most likely the cause. When bad things happen to our friends, believers will pray and I'll make sure to actually do something effective in easing my friend's sorrow. And when that tornado rips through a town and kills 180 people, I'll be sure to say nature is brutally indiscriminate rather than blame the LGBT community for the community's losses while others would say god is only punishing the sinful for their behaviors.

The point is, I'm going to stand up to the irrational, I will call out the ridiculous, and I will orate loudly for common sense and logic; whenever, and wherever it's necessary. And it's going to happen whether people like it or not. I have as much right to speak up about what makes sense as the believers have about what doesn't.

And I won't change. Especially now. Once I let myself out of the closet, going back in would never again be an option. It feels way too good to be honest to myself and others. It's freeing to fully feel that I am being myself in what I say and what I do. Staying here, staying put. Deal with it.

Pro-Potential Life, But Really Pro-Choice

When I was pregnant with my two children, I was in situations that weren't entirely out of control and I had a mindset of not approving of abortions for myself. For me, the life I helped to create was one I was obligated to bring to term. My first pregnancy, I was invested from a place of love, even though the situation wasn't the greatest. But I believed it was the natural consequence for which I, along with my partner, should take full responsibility for. The second time there was no question we had two fully engaged and loving parents, and we knew we could raise him in a somewhat secure financial situation. Abortion was never a consideration, nor would it ever have been an option as I was so happy to have received the news and knew I would provide the best I could for my children.

But I've always felt that the decision to have an abortion lies with the woman who is about to have one. It is her body, her pregnancy and something that impacts the course of her life, making this her personal choice. She must confront and weigh all the options when making that decision - does she terminate the potential life within her or decide to see it through to the end of her legal responsibility to that imminent child?

I knew a person who, during her lifetime, had three abortions which honestly left me with a negative view of this woman for many years. And it evoked so many questions, ones she never fully nor satisfactorily answered when asked. How does someone let that happen three times, and each time the only option is termination of the pregnancy? How does a grown woman who obviously has the ability to educate herself and use any number of available contraceptive options get pregnant? And when that contraception fails, how does this same woman make that choice to not carry to term the potential life that is a product of her supposedly loving, close relationship with her significant other? Why would she decide to end a potential human being just because she has that option?

Those are questions I have struggled with as a pro-choice person all my life because I also have a tendency to think that if you get pregnant - you carry within you a potential life and it is developing in you because of actions you participated in. We all know that every action has a consequence and that is the part I get hung up on. The phrase You've made your bed, now lie in it comes to mind. But...

Every free woman is guaranteed by Roe V. Wade to make those decisions for herself but on some level to know that many who are supposed to be role models of adulthood would choose to end a potential life, it leaves me feeling sad. How could they make that decision? It is a part of you and the person you chose to be intimate with and probably love! That guided my thinking for a long time.

But then I lived life for many more years and began to look at the situations that many of these women face. The women could be single or married, and are just not able to financially ensure these children would get their basic needs met. Maybe they also endured a poor quality of life and don't want to subject another possible human to those conditions. Many of us know that a life of poverty is not a good place to be, but then the question is, what about the women who can afford to raise a child and still get an abortion?

Their situations could be fraught with emotional and/or physical abuse, the individual who contributed his DNA is in a bad place - unable to be a good parent, abusive, neglectful. Many times, this alone is an agonizing emotional situation that steers a woman to this place of choosing an abortion. Couple that with financial instability, and I can understand now making that choice.

After having had two children myself, I now understand these women could be wrestling with the idea their potential child might end up in a situation being deprived of the emotional security they deserved. As innocents brought into this world without their permission, they require that, at the very least. Babies being deprived of the best offering of loving and nurturing at the start of entering their new life is a set-up for disastrous consequences as they try to maneuver through life. Where would they get the basic foundation of becoming the whole human beings they need to be to enjoy a future quality of life when what they encounter is uncertainty, angst, volatility and deprivation? We would set them on a path of not having a stable sense of themselves or a safe family they could turn to when their future let them down. I understand why women would choose abortion in this case.

I can imagine these scenarios repeat over and over in the heads of women faced with a pregnancy that is not openly welcomed, planned for or even wanted at the time... regardless of the fact they might otherwise embrace a potential life. When they are faced with the reality that their lives are less than optimum, they choose to protect a potential life from having a rather bad one. I can see that now.

Add to this debate rape victims, and you have an even wider pool of reasons to terminate pregnancies. The devastation a woman potentially feels learning she would have to endure more physical evidence of that act of violence perpetrated on her. It would look into her eyes every day. Imagine being reminded of the fear and shame you had to endure at the hands of a maniac? What kind of love are you able to give a child who deserves your love and support but all you can feel is disgust? I would rather her bring a wanted and already loved child into the world.

We would hear the words uttered Every life is precious! The potential life brought into the world pro-lifers are trying to protect will be exposed to more risk factors like poverty and child abuse, are more likely to be dependent on social services, and/or end up in jail. Their lives overall won't be as precious as they'd like you to think. How about they look at that and the cost to this society versus that little clump of cells called a potential life. In reality, this life they want to save was just conceived at the wrong time.

Could a potentially bleak financial and/or emotionally distraught situation turn around in their future? Absolutely, but at the time these pregnant women make these decisions, their current state of being is the only one they can base their decision on. They are assessing their current state of affairs with everything coming in at them from every direction and trying to make the best rational decision. It is an extremely difficult decision to make with all that has to be considered.

But at the end of the day, I hope they answer the question that is most important. What does the potential emerging child deserve if they didn't abort? It deserves a good life filled with love, respect, a quality of life and a loved one with a support system that will do what it can to enrich, enlighten and protect that child. In other words, an innocent who never asked to be born deserves what we all crave and deserve - that potential can translate into a meaningful outcome. That's really what it means to be Pro-Life.

I may be Pro-Potential Life, but I'm still Pro-Choice because it's really not my choice. I'm not the pregnant one. And I'm not the one who has to grieve or feel guilty if they do bring another life into this world whose existence is tainted by the bad this world has to offer.

Who Needs Prayer When You've Got A Plan?

Proverbs 31 New International Version (NIV)

Sayings of King Lemuel

31 The sayings of King Lemuel—an inspired utterance his mother taught him.

2 Listen, my son! Listen, son of my womb!
    Listen, my son, the answer to my prayers!
3 Do not spend your strength[a] on women,
    your vigor on those who ruin kings.

4 It is not for kings, Lemuel—
    it is not for kings to drink wine,
    not for rulers to crave beer,
5 lest they drink and forget what has been decreed,
    and deprive all the oppressed of their rights.
6 Let beer be for those who are perishing,
    wine for those who are in anguish!
7 Let them drink and forget their poverty
    and remember their misery no more.

8 Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,
    for the rights of all who are destitute.
9 Speak up and judge fairly;
    defend the rights of the poor and needy.

Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character

10 [b]A wife of noble character who can find?
    She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
    and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
    and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
    her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
    and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
    and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
    for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
    and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
    she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
    and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
    her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
    but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Footnotes:

1. Proverbs 31:3 Or wealth
2. Proverbs 31:10 Verses 10-31 are an acrostic poem, the verses of which begin with the successive letters of the Hebrew alphabet.

New International Version (NIV)

Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.®Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

The short version - a woman who does all these things is a force to be reckoned with and someone who is worthy of praise for all her efforts, the obvious strength she possesses and the character with which she carries herself. If the list of attributes above describes the woman to a T, then damn straight she deserves praise. This catch seems to be the ultimate Shero who takes care of not only the house and the kids, and all that it entails but runs a business, is smart and wise, and marries the right man. In modern times we call that "bringing home the bacon, frying it up in the pan and doing everything to please her man."

My problem with the decoration on the shirt is that she has to pray about it as if that's the only way things get done. I call bullshit with a capital B. I know many cream-of-the-crop women in the atheist movement who have no desire and especially no need to pray about it in order to accomplish all that is on their plates. They have goals, they make a plan and they get things done. It's that simple. God can be left out of the equation.

Any woman, and any man for that matter, who set their sights on what they want to accomplish can go a long way with perseverance, diligence and efforts. Does that always guarantee success? No. But how many times has prayer been claimed to have brought about the result of a good outcome? Statistically, probably the same as having not prayed. So basically it's chance that prayer was coincidentally involved.

Making plans, putting forth the effort, doing the work and possessing the determination to never give up until you've reached your goals - that is what helps us succeed in achieving them and gives us cause to list our accomplishments.

Just like prayer has nothing to do with successful medical intervention, prayer injects nothing of quality to projects or achievements that are staffed by hard-working, diligent and skilled people on the right tasks.

So really, who needs a god or a prayer when we've got things under control with our own plans?

SCOTUS Rules The Wrong Way Again

So there you have it, religion now gets to make health care decisions. Just one more chipping away at established law to appease the religious right. Just like the picture says - it is INJUSTICE and it's against women, and yes, they act like gods among us; the ones who are playing the part by making incredibly life-altering decisions with women's health care decisions.

With the recent ruling of the five scrotum... er, five old white guys of the SCOTUS, it's outrageous that now the belief system of the religious right, Christianity, seems to trump the belief system all others. What does SCOTUS not seem to understand about the concept of equal protection under the law in our country? I still believe every person has the right to express their beliefs, but seriously, to now be governed by the belief system of one religion? I don't think the justices got it right this time.

This fight being waged against women by Hobby Lobby, along with 100 other companies, and receiving the blessing of the Supreme Court Justices, shows us that they don't give a shit about religious freedom. They want their belief system to dominate this country. Don't you know by now that Christianists have all the answers and should make all the rules? Because of course - they have that book that tells them so. Argh...

These past three days my blood pressure has been elevated when I think how much we are still fighting about, and what we are losing by the decisions being made in this country with respect to women and their rights. Today's woman and the future generations of women have to struggle even more now to regain what should have been guaranteed during all our lifetimes; equality, that which has eluded us for too long.

The only positive I see coming from this ruling is that women (and men) will be more united to stand against those who would continue to undermine the rights of women, and bring with it a conscious shift leading to more thoughtful and reasonable legislation. We've always had activists who fought the good fight and brought us farther than those before them, but this current level of anger, agitation, and passion created in the minds and hearts of much of our citizenry after the ruling... well, it is palpable. Social media is exploding - both sides of the issue - but it would seem the motivation for more progressive change has the stronger voice. The justices have managed to set in motion something I hadn't seen in a long time, and for that I'm glad. Who knew that Hobby Lobby would be the straw that finally broke the camel's back!

Two things are at stake here - the equality of women and complete separation of church and state. My hope is that these issues will finally be resolved in my lifetime.

This is only the beginning of one hell of a fight. Buckle in, it might get worse before it gets better. But let us not be mistaken, this is a fight we must have and finish. It speaks to the core of what is wrong in our country and across the world where women are being oppressed, mistreated and/or marginalized for their sex. And religion is at the heart of it. It is what propagates the discrimination and the oppression that exists in this world. 

And it needs to stop... NOW!

On Being Accepting

evariyun.blogspot.com

Tolerance Without Anger/Frustration = Acceptance

Maybe one of these days I will truly get to that point of complete acceptance of others. When I'm engaged with people who struggle to change my point of view because they don't approve of it, I have a real hard time being tolerant. I've never been one to enjoy being told what to do or what to think. When I was much younger, I not only had absolutely no desire to understand how others did things differently than me, but I was also all about making sure they started doing it my way. In some instances, with my husband, I still insist! Just ask him. But he'll tell you it's ok, she's smart.

Maturing through life experience has helped me understand that this journey we all take is a two way street. There is much to be said for not always having things your way. When I learned that I wan't always right and love/harmony/peace was worth going for, well that helped me a lot when I was finally ready to accept that nugget of information. Having said that though, life and situations don't always go so smoothly just because you want them to. It takes effort and patience, something else that has taken me some time to add to the armor I wear on the inside.

I can't say I always want acceptance either. Many times it's because I'm truly not invested in that person. So, simply said, their acceptance of me just doesn't matter. In other instances, peace of mind comes from not engaging with someone I know is really only out there to start trouble for the sake of hearing themselves speak. For the most part I can tolerate and even be accepting of another person and their viewpoints, specifically when they respect me enough to understand I deserve the same treatment. However, I still struggle with the frustration of others dictating what I should naturally want to be according to them. They obviously are more of an authority of who the best Susi should or could be. That raises the hair on my neck a bit and sets my jaws to clenching. My TMJ is not pleased.

That last bit of not getting rattled, that's the one thing that I will probably work on until the day I die. It's that thoroughly independent streak in me I've had since I was little; old habits die hard, I guess. DO NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO!! I imagine a small blonde wild child in my head saying this; this old bird feeling it through and through, still. This was and still is, literally, the hardest thing for me to not see red about when it comes up for me in my life. When I feel like someone is trying to control me either through their actions, words or tone, it sets me off. Try being accepting of that other person after that happens! It's not easy.

But I think we should try. When I look at this world today and even after I read about our history, there is some much we could gain if only we could drop the desire to control situations and other people. I want to attain more peace as I get older and enjoy life rather than struggle with people who have a whacked idea about how I should lead my life. I want to learn how to let go of the frustration and anger; in its place, maybe pick up some joy instead.

I really do appreciate the gushy warm feeling when I read the words and sentiment in the picture above. It reminds me that peace and acceptance emanates from us when we choose to look at those things that have nothing to do with control of another human. Appreciation of the humane-ness we all have to offer gives us that ease towards one another. We have to show it for one, but if we choose to see it in others then we can both feel better about our interactions. Somewhere inside we have to look for the peace in ourselves and others in order to have tolerance without anger and frustration. But there has to be a willingness... on both parts.

For now, I will say that I will do my best to achieve what I need... a calm interior that doesn't automatically jettison feelings opposite of what I'm trying to remain and attain. Namaste

Full of Love, But Then Empty

Nobody tells you how devastated you are going to feel. 

Your experience is one of joy, of knowing that you will bring a product of love into the world. The pregnancy is a combination of all that’s good about you and the one who made you feel the need to offer yourself as a vessel for that love. Oh, it feels right. You’ve made the best possible decision you have ever made and it’s growing inside you. The love you feel for your man, the union you have and the child you’ve made together – it is bliss, magnified times ten. At least, it was for me.

You feel giddiness and a depth of emotion like no other in the beautiful moments of planning your future together, and in sharing your expectations with each other. All smiles… so much love… you feel like you’ll just burst with excitement. Wanting to experience every rich moment, but longing for the time to speed up so that your dreams can finally manifest. Everything you feel, you think and what you know in those precious moments before the dreams are realized is that everything is positive and the experiences are all good. Even the not-so-good moments because the end game is you’ll have produced the child you have pictured in your mind and carried in your heart.

My period was notoriously predictable. The pregnancy test I’d done only three days after being late confirmed I was right about my physical state. We were pregnant!  And we were so happy. I wasn’t very far along, maybe six to eight weeks pregnant when the bleeding started. My imagination, of course, took me to the worst possible outcome. And I was right. I usually enjoy being right, but this killed me.

No one is ever prepared to have their dreams challenged. It takes your breath away to go from a deeply involved state of happiness to feeling utter emptiness; one that seems to preclude resolution.

When I received confirmation that I wasn’t pregnant anymore, the ache of feeling so alone without the little person who filled all those visions of my future made my insides feel raw. My thoughts were tinged with so many emotions, feelings of inadequacy and guilt about letting my partner down. 

Where would we go from here knowing what we had already invested emotionally and mentally, was not to be? How would we, as a couple, previously filled with so much joy at the prospect of bringing our child into this world be able to relate to one another again? Especially, when I, the person whose primary responsibility it was to bring that child into the world, had just lost it. The guilt and the inability to forgive myself about the loss was so wounding for me.

I sat with this information and all the emotions that went with it for a bit before I made the phone call to my partner. Sobbing, yelling, beating the bed with my fists as well as silent tears in between during the lulls of emotion that were wracking my body; I felt suspended in an impenetrable bubble of feelings. Time passed, emotions eased up a bit and I realized that it wasn’t just about me in this tumultuous event. I needed to call my partner to let him know about the change in our reality.

Not having fully worked through all that goes with this devastating news, I think I did the best I could during that phone call. I thought I was brave and had pulled myself together. I wasn’t and hadn’t, really. After hanging up the phone I went back into the isolation and emptiness that I had been experiencing after I got the call from the doctor. The sobbing resumed.

Instinctively, I just did the next thing I had to do in my normal routine of the day – I got in the shower. My tears flowed out of me joining the stream of water from the shower head. I could only heave deeply as sadness hit while the water ran over me. It's as if the stream washing down my body kept me connected to being alive, but in my head though, nothing felt real. I only felt a deep sense of being alone, where before I felt like two and we were a part of something bigger.

What I didn’t know or even thought of was that my partner would understand. And forgive; even though forgiveness is not what was required. While I stood in the shower, he came home to console the woman he loved. He instinctively knew what I was going through, he understood how I would feel and he came home to help make it all better. His own hurt couldn’t and wouldn’t stop him from recognizing how it would impact me and what I needed in order to get past it. That day I learned how much he really loved me and what my happiness meant to him. That love is what got us through that day as well as other emotional upheavals in our lives together. I love that man for what he saw in me that needed attention, and for the strength he gave me then; what he continues to see and contribute to my well-being is a comfort and something I can count on. His care and nurture helped set me up for success in handling all the other hurdles we have endured in our lives. He helped me realize our relationship, its strength, was the something bigger part of my life, too; just like our child would have been. A baby is a wonderful part of it, but not the only part. Yes, there is a loss, but we had a foundation that is just as important to preserve.

When I look back on that moment we lost our first baby, it feels like a distant memory now, but one that still evokes incredible emotions. Tears fill my eyes as I write this. The pain I (we) endured was heart-breaking, but it created a bond with my partner in ways that I never thought, even in that moment, would cement our relationship as it did. Time, distance from the event and life experiences have taught me to be very thankful for that. That bond filled the emptiness the loss created; his love helped heal the injury I experienced to my psyche.

Mourning the loss of my unborn child was such a powerful emotion for me; the pain cut deep, but I learned an incredible amount about my relationship and its value. I can’t imagine what parents go through after the loss of a child they’ve had born to them and watched grow, but I think I can understand the ache of emptiness they would feel. I hope they have someone or people in their lives that show them a love that fills that space; open and raw becomes healed and soothed. Going on in life and thriving becomes a possibility then.

I’m an example of that.

*originally published at ReconceivingLoss.com