I'm Waiting, I'm Aching

You could pull me back in... if only you tried.
I'm open, I'm willing... I'm waiting.
The moments present themselves, the silence is deafening.
Show me what you've told me... when you had to.
Let me agree with the words.
I'm not seeing it, feeling it... yet.
I'm still waiting for the words to come true....

Being Forever

Immortality is only guaranteed in the recollection of your force in this world.

Be memorable.

Afternoon Interruption

Exhausted, again
Rest comes in stolen moments
Life on hold, again

Some Minds

Open to knowledge
Wanting to understand life
Freedom gained in thought

God Is Not Better Than Me

"Worship is a humbling denial of your own value in order to inflate someone else's worth."

Dan Barker - The Good Atheist

http://thesetapartadventure.blogspot.com/2011/05/living-worship.html

We've all seen the videos of quivering bodies, hands raised, full on "I'm so into you jesus" worship. It makes me feel so sad for these people and especially the multitude of children who are pushed into that behavior.

The adults want to feel a connection to their lord so bad they create this fever-pitched ritual and call it real. The children emulate and then hope for praise. "Was that good mommy?"  understandably the subconscious reaction to what is going on around them.

The other troubling aspect of this is the complete denial of their own personhood. Over and over again, this steady mantra believers insist on - we're sinners, we're evil, only god is awesome - this  reinforces the lack of value they feel about themselves. They are but a shadow in the greatness of their one true god. Yuck. No wonder there are so many, the ones with low self-esteem to begin with, who fall into religion so smoothly; the rituals are designed for them in mind. Stockholm Syndrome, another version of slavery.

Church leaders who promote submission unto the lord understand what this means. It's power over their flock and they use it oh so well to their advantage. Look at the mega-billion super churches and those who run them. They are living the lifestyle while they watch the dutiful worshipers go ga-ga for jesus. They even egg them on further and deeper into this silliness. And they call it good. For who? Not the parishioners as their wallets are being emptied. The only thing they are left with are the endorphins they themselves brought into existence. They are happy... for the moment.

The faithful will tell you that all this is worth it, but is it really? Well, some would say that he has made it abundantly clear to them. Of course he has. Right and if I believe that then I'll buy any bullshit story... like the truly faithful do, over and over, in so many different religions, sects and cults.

What does worship of an imaginary figure actually do for their one existence here on earth? Nothing and that's the point. All they want so desperately is to be received by a figure that won't make themselves known to them until after this life has extinguished itself. They want the promised glorious after-life. "Whatever God requires is right, no matter what it is, although we may not see the reason thereof till long after the events transpire." from The Complete Heretic's Guide to Western Religion: The Mormons by David Fitzgerald. Good book, I'd highly recommend it for further understanding. So, what he wants, nay demands, is complete and utter submission of his flock and dutiful worship of his being the grandest of them all. What a fucking narcissist.

My hope is more people would question this submission/domination relationship that is being encouraged. Think about this - who decided people have no value? For those who believe in god, well then, he did, actually. And this is the person they want to worship? He thinks people are beneath him and must be saved, but he's the one who created them. So doesn't that make him imperfect for creating something that has no value? If he decided to create imperfect people intentionally, well now he's seriously just fucking with people. How do followers not take a moment to question this whole set up? It boggles the mind. Makes me glad that I use mine.

Committing to worship fervently, allowing yourself to believe that you have less value only hinders you from fully enjoying and accepting yourself as you are, good and bad. It stymies real personal growth when you feel you will never be better than the one who created you. You are a slave to tradition, not stepping out of line and never questioning; faithful now and until you reach the goal of the after-life with the big guy. Ugh, what a waste of a life here and now.

A few years back, I wrote a piece about being self-led and independent, in actions and thought. It has served me well in this one life I am leading. I continue in this journey gaining more understanding with every event and connection I make in this world. It gives me personal strength knowing every challenge overcome is one I  was able to master. This is value and every conflict or problem handled continues to add more. Handling life on its own terms does not require me to worship something else. Being here requires me to understand myself, my fellow inhabitants, nature and how to best navigate my short time in this life. It means being fully engaged, not down on my knees or submitting a puny version of its alleged creator in prayerful worship.

I Don't Tremble ...

•  while reading a book among believers about atheism.

•  wearing an atheist themed t-shirt in public.

•  while staunchly presenting facts against fantasy.

•  when you mock me.

•  as you spew hateful things about me.

•  when you shut me out.

•  when you replace friendship with animosity.

... like you do.

Nor will I ever apologize for it. Real ease comes from acceptance. Get some.

Not Helping... Just Sayin'

	in·ter·ne·cine /,inter’nesen/ Adjective – Destructive to both sides in a conflict I learned a new word today. And surprisingly, if I’m honest, I’ve felt like this at times in my past. Not often, but it has happened. You have probably felt this way, too. Admit it. Let me set it up for you - When you are in an argument do you find yourself saying things at just the right moment you really shouldn't, but can't stop yourself because you enjoy the hurt you see in the other person's eyes or body language? You feel a little powerful, don't you? A small victory for the big price you'll pay later. It is destructive for both sides when the person you trust wants to rejoice at your pain. The connection you share can get tattered and torn if it is something frequently done within the boundaries of your relationship. The offender is hurting to begin with if they resort to this power play, the offended begins to doubt what they share and ultimately, the wounding becomes a game both will play. The attacks get more malicious if this tactic is used consistently, the wounds even deeper. During conflict, if we focus on ending what is causing us pain rather than what short term gratification we'll feel with the pain we cause, better behaviors will emerge to help us reach what we really want to achieve. If feeling more powerful over the other person is really only what we want, then maybe we shouldn't be in those particular relationships. Let's guide ourselves to a place where we are helping to ease the pain, not adding more of it to the mix. I make it my mission not to be considered an internecine woman.

2043

I'll be eighty years old then. Always thought I would make it to at least that age, maybe beyond.

Let's suppose I do. It means I'll have experienced two years on this earth being religion-free according to Nigel Barber. Having lived mostly as an atheist up to that point, I wonder what I can expect to see, to hear, and to feel about my surroundings.

For a good many of those years I was fighting or arguing with those of differing opinions about the existence of a god. My frustration frequently spilled out in various writings on my blog and other venues that allowed me to voice my opinions. Many didn't like what I had to say. To think I would finally arrive at a time in my life where pointing out the inconsistencies wasn't necessary anymore, well it seems almost incomprehensible to me.

I suppose I would still be loud about other things annoying my sensibilities. Injustice will abound in other areas, I'm sure. My deeply held sense of righting wrongs springing up as necessary. That's me - always ready to fight the good fight. But to experience this battle being over... finally. That would feel good.

Imagining a world where reality is its motivating and inspiring force, wow. We did it! We have attained the final stage of rational outcomes. Some would say that's heaven or paradise, well it sort of is. Everything this atheist movement has been fighting for has been about validation. Finally, the information has vindicated us! The facts upon which we have based our conclusions with respect to the topic of religion has challenged the religious sector completely to its core and destroyed it. Religion doesn't exist any longer because the atheists got it right. Sweet victory, religion has died. That would feel good, too.

If religion is gone, finally and forever, churches become obsolete. In their place, refurbished buildings for practical purposes. I see affordable housing, recreational centers for kids and other more desirable buildings. When I drive down the street I won't have to go yech and shake my head anymore. That would feel wonderful!

No more worship songs! The trance-inducing, swaying hips, hands raised high, tear stained or near tear stained faces kind. Yes, the spell is broken. The delusion is gone. And with it go the strange lyrics supporting the delusion, forever.

The phrases "I'll pray for you" and "God Bless America"  or god bless anything won't be spoken anymore. Yay! Our money might read something like "In Reason We Trust" or "E Pluribus Unum", both reinforcing the reality our country now stands for.

Nathan Phelps

The best part of it for me would be seeing how the kids would be raised and what their un-indoctrinated futures would potentially hold for them. They would be free, really free to think without being pressured by outside forces to act, speak and be a certain molded kind of way. I would enjoy being around the expressiveness of those children who turn around and do the same for the next generation. Shame I won't be around to witness two hundred years from now.

But I'm day dreaming and being wishful, maybe even a tad irrational; something I try not to be. We don't know what the world of 2043 will really look like, it's anybody's guess. Even though religion might be gone, it doesn't mean stupid shit won't still happen. I predict (based on previous history) humans will somehow figure out a way to fuck something up, if not everything. I hope I'm wrong. If I really am still alive then, I'll mark my calendar and report back on what's really going on. Count on it.

Taking In More Air Than My Lungs Need

Ahhhhhh.... 

When you reach the point where you fill up sufficiently past what you need, there you are truly at ease. You've gotten to a state or place just beyond content. Life feels like that too, not just your lungs.

Wasichu

It's the Sioux word for the white man "one who has everything good".  This is the watered down and more palatable version of what it originally meant. Lies My Teacher Told Me: Everything Your American History Textbook Got Wrong provided me with this insight, but where it took me ultimately was altogether different. It's fascinating to learn new things, but I'm always amazed where my mind will go with what I've learned or how it decides to process. When the subject matter is one thing and your brain decides to veer off into your emotions, I ask myself  -  Why?

Considering all the crap I've dealt with this last year, I'm still completely amazed that I feel rather OK. There's a strength there which I can't completely understand where it comes from, but I just feel like I'm one who has everything good. That's probably why it resonated and I ingested it differently than what was the intention of the author. That or I'm going to redefine what Wasichu means again; evolving it to a whole new level. Progress; something good out of something bad.

Regardless of the circumstances, whether angry, frustrated, happy, sad, chill... whatever... I feel like everything IS good. It's as if it should be because it can't be anything else. The focus on reality is what grounds me and gives me the feeling of stability. I've always felt having a close personal relationship with reality, like my cover on my Facebook page boldly and proudly proclaims, is part of the reason for being skeptical, an atheist and one who is always searching for the truth.

I don't know it for a fact, but I think this connection to reality is what gives me this peace. Maybe it's just age and life experience. Or meds. Interestingly, I found out one of the heart medications I'm on helps with relieving anxiety. Could be I'm just fooling myself about my deep thought process and the chemical cocktail I'm forced to take because of a faulty pump is giving me what I never had in my younger years! Nah, just kidding - hard work, deep insight and a really interesting ride is what put me here.

The older I get, the more I drop off those things keeping me away from reality. I examine everything in my life and get to the bottom of why I think the way I do and if it doesn't cut muster, it's gone. One less ill-conceived, unrealistic reason for clinging to a fallacy opens a whole new way of understanding and clarity. Accepting the experience, good or bad, for what it is even as emotions are evoked by those events; the reality of each situation continually centering me. I feel them, I express them and then I ultimately accept the reality of the given situation. My strength comes from my clarity and what to do next. And from this acceptance comes an over all sense of being wrapped in good.

Here's to feeling that way until the day I die. Maybe I should get the word Wasichu tattooed on my body. Then it'll be permanent. Yeah.