Cruel Love? Guess Not

snagged from https://www.facebook.com/raisinggodlychildren

I guess Love Story really did get it right -

 "Love means never having to say you're sorry."

"Why Do You Hate God?"

I don't hate god. I deal in reality and if I don't think something exists, I can't obviously hate it. My up-bringing certainly wasn't filled with a deity at every turn, and there was no mandatory church attendance or meals prayed over every sit down. Actually, I didn't start out thinking there wasn't a god. I did acknowledge or look for a presence that was considered god during my formative years because it was kind of my mom's thing.

What took me off track and created doubt was internal questions that arose. They kept rising up when things didn't make sense. And it happened frequently. I think I stayed with the whole 'belief in god' thing for the length of time that I did because it was the thing I was initially taught. It was a viable option, friends around me believed and I hadn't gathered enough ammunition yet to destroy the foundation previously laid for me.

So no hate, but no love either for something that has no proof. Why would believers insist it would translate to hating their god just because I have determined for myself that there is no evidence for a god's existence? Well, naturally, if your 'agin him' whatever the reason, it must be hate. It couldn't possibly be something as rational as "Hmmm, it seems I must now disregard what I've previously believed because there is not enough evidence to uphold that previously held belief." Cut and dry, let it go... no emotion, just an understanding not previously held, but now clarified. It moves one to go in a different direction with their thought process, that's it.

Again rationally speaking, believers ask yourself this question - "Why do you hate unicorns?" Obviously, you don't because you have no proof that they exist! See where I'm coming from? But the other thing is I try not to hate anything to begin with. Should there be something worth hating, believe me they'll have earned that emotion from me because of some inappropriate or horrific intentional act against me or others. In other words, it will be because they are real and their actions are real.

It seems to me, if there is any hate then it comes from the person slinging the statement or asking the question. Are they just angry that you've let go of the great one and feel the need to publicly be that person who calls you out in show of support of their god? Or maybe they are just pissed at themselves that you've left the club and are just projecting? Could they subconsciously feel jealous that you took the first step and are open about it, whereas they can't and so, dig deeper? Who knows and really, who cares?

I've made so many adjustments in my life along the way of personal discoveries and education about life, religion, people, whatever... that I'm old enough now to say, really, who cares what you think about my decisions or thought process. Especially if what I think has no bearing on any individual's life but my own, my community or the world, for that matter. My life is pretty peaceful for the most part specifically because of the thought process I employ. Life gives me a few hiccups here and there, and what some people think or feel how I should live my life is unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

Actually, I think I love your god. :P Tell them that the next time they ask, maybe it will shut them right down. At the very least it will give them a real confused look on their face. That would be fun.

For Those Moments We've All Felt This...

A somewhat crude rendition of the sentiment. I'm not a designer, can ya tell? :) The inspiration was from my friend Leanna. Thanks, dear!

I would encourage anyone who has a need to share a particular WTF moment - please do! I love to hear people's stories.

Dear Life, You Can Stop Sucking Now

How do you make the decisions necessary to keep moving forward after you've gotten to a precarious emotional state, a place of indifference or a feeling of nothing but contempt? That internal space where you could have never imagined yourself feeling like that ever, before? A completely shocking, incomprehensible event that sets you over the edge, yeah... that seems about right. It shakes you, makes you question reality, turns your world upside down. Trust is shattered, nerves are frayed, your insides feel like they are bleeding out and you're sure that everyone knows. But they don't, if you don't tell them. 

The negative feelings can be camouflaged, very easily. People can't see not caring anymore, they can't fathom the distance you've created or understand the hole of emptiness you are trying to rise above from. We can be adept at hiding for many reasons, PDE is just not appropriate or so we were taught. But people around us, many times even those closest, don't or can't tune into that frequency of despair. They're busy with their own lives, their own problems and sometimes, they just don't give a shit anyway.

Hiding is sometimes just what we need to do until we're ready to take the next step. It gives us time to think and time to grieve for what no longer exists. And an opportunity to gather strength when the decisions needing to be made meet the opportunity to put them in play. It's not indecision or hesitation, sometimes it's just that timing is crucial. Involving those closest to us can actually hinder what needs to happen next.

Being a public emotional mess is especially something you don't need in order to move forward. I've experienced it many times with past crises' where the friends really do no better than just keeping you stuck in the scenario that is creating the drama. Often times they don't even know how to just be there for you; they would rather play a prime role in the destruction continuing. No thanks, I'll do it my way.

Once decisions are made and realities refocus to a new stability, friends will feign astonishment at your lack of involving them. And probably act all butt-hurt, too. How dare you not include them in your misery! Sometimes, I vacillate between wishing I could share more than I do, but then I realize there really aren't all too many people I would let in on my innermost feelings. I don't trust a whole lot of people, for one, but dealing with gobs of drama is something I usually tend to shy away from to begin with.

Rationally, taking a step back, observing my fellow humans and just getting older has taught me so much. But even more valuable lessons were learned when I let the shit drag me down so emotionally that I think to myself "How will I ever get back up again?" Feeling it surround me as if the thick ooze of mess is my new home, letting me succumb so to speak. I'm not advocating that we always give in to our deep, dark  emotions. Depending on your stability, it can have disastrous outcomes. In my case, it was precisely because of those situations and mucking down, the decisions that came out of the process brought me into a much sweeter place.

I've come to appreciate my mind and my abilities in the realm of handling emotional situations. During the dark moments where it felt like emotions were all I had, my mind still wouldn't let me go to that place where you don't recover from. These situations forced me to face things that I might not have. Decisions came about because I had no other choice, but to make them. I find I have a much keener sense of how to deal with emotional situations because of those times. As they will continue to present themselves, the emotional dis-ease will still affect me, the agonies will still occur. Life/Nature will do it's best to contribute those potential situations of unexpected upheavals.

Feelings for which you have no control over can just wash over you unexpectedly, but at least I can say that my ability to look at those feelings rationally as well as the situation that created them, guides me into a much better place than say when I was in my early 20s. Yes, getting older helps, but you can't mature unless you go through some shit, right? But enough already, I'm good.

***The day after I published this piece, a FB friend had this on her page. Thanks Amy! Summed it up nicely... Enjoy!

Resurgence                                                                       

Never underestimate a woman who is suffering
who seems to be making risky choices.
She is deep in lesson.
She is visiting the underground,
she is making sense of life in some invisible way
the fragmentation in her life could be a precursor
to a new resurgence.
She could well stun you with some home truths.

~ Sukhvinder Sircar

photo artist unknown
found on tumblr HANDCRAFTEDINVIRGINIA

My Other Babies

Writing pieces for publication is like having children.

Each one I give birth to (write) will be nurtured (reviewed & edited) until it is grown-up (complete). Then I reluctantly let it go out into the world (publish it). My hope is that it is written well enough to have an impact on the world in a positive way.

My descendants (inspired audience) will continue the good that was started with just an idea or brief thought to hopefully make this world a better place. 

May my legacy (my other babies) be remembered well.